Friend, Foe, or Fatuous
by CornCob
Summary: Insults are traded. Things happen and the Bosses are dragged in. There's no turning back now. Zack, Reno, Seph, Tseng, and Vincent. PreNibelhiem
1. A Chick?

Okay everyone. This is a joint effort story between TooLittleTooLate and myself (we played rock paper scissors to see who's name we got to post it under).. Basically we're take turns. She does all the odds, I do all the evens. So this first chapter is done by her. We very much hope that you enjoy. Here is her A/N:

_**Fatuous**__Smugly Stupid. Complacently Foolish_

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We (being corncob and ToolittleToolate) don't own a single thing. We have no money to our names, and even if we did, it wouldn't be much. We only own the idea behind it all. Steal it and we WILL hunt you down. ENJOY!! Oh, and this first chapter is by ToolittleToolate. On with the masterpiece!

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"Peas or carrots?" a low voice demanded. Zack looked up from his examination of some questionable looking…chicken? The person standing behind the counter was not Gertrude. Unless she had gotten a sex change operation, and that was highly unlikely.

"What did you do to Gertrude?!" Zack asked, pointing an accusing finger at the lunch lady imposter.

"She is no longer with the company. She was too old. They had the Turks care of her…Tseng never did like the way she looked at Rufus," Vincent said the second part in a thoughtful manner.

Zack looked around in a panic before a blue jacket crowded his view. Looking over, he saw Tseng: head Turk and his current idol. He'd never had the opportunity to speak more than five words to him; not that he didn't want to.

"Stop messing with kid, Valentine. Don't blame me because you got yourself lunch lady detail," Tseng scolded, adding more emphasis than necessary on the last three words. "Oh, and I'll have the peas."

Vincent rolled his eyes. With a loud 'plop' Tseng received his peas and walked over to join Seph at their usual table. Zack stared as he watched the two superior officers start to talk. It was weird how they had the whole table to themselves, but still sat so close together. Almost like they were afraid someone would try to eavesdrop.

"Ahem. You are holding up the line," Vincent said, waving a hand to show that the line was, in fact, starting to build. Zack pried his eyes away from the god of the 67th floor. "Well, peas or carrots?"

"Peas of course," Zack said without hesitation, looking over at Tseng again. Getting to the end of the line and paying for his highly nutritious and 'delicious' meal, he started to search for his lunch buddy.

After a few minutes of looking, he could feel his stomach start to clench with the fear that he was left alone for lunch. Oh sure, he wouldn't have to eat alone, just about everyone wanted the friendly SOLDIER to sit with them. But nothing could replace his energetic, somewhat eccentric, friend.

Finally seeing the object of his hunt, he headed towards the table. Noticing that there seemed to be a circle of empty tables around the vicinity of his friend, Zack pulled out a chair and looked at him questioningly.

"What? You act surprised that people don't like to sit near me," Reno said around a mouthful of food. "And what took you so long getting here? Did you misplace me again? We sit in the same spot everyday."

"You might move one day to throw me off. Besides, you're hard to find in a crowded cafeteria," Zack said, poking at the chicken.

"I'm taller than half of these people, I'm louder…Oh, and I have red hair. What about me blends in?" Reno asked. He looked up as people began to sit closer to them. "You're too likable. I worked very hard to clear out the tables around us. You're here for two seconds and suddenly they're crowding in like chocobos going in for the kill."

"One: I like being likable. Two: chocobos don't kill people, you're just afraid of them for no reason," Zack laughed at Reno 's expression of disbelief. He hated being told that the big birds were harmless and that he had no reason for being terrified of them.

"So," Zack started, trying to change the subject, "how did your prank on Elena go?"

"It went great! I totally had her convinced that Tseng was going to ask her out," Reno said, smiling like a little kid who had eaten the last cupcake. "She was running around trying to fix her hair and put on makeup. When Tseng called her into his office I thought she was going to explode." Reno smirked at the memory.

"How mad was she? Did she smack you or threaten you bodily harm this time?" Zack asked, digging into his peas.

"Eh, she was a little on the annoyed side. I had to hide in the air vents for an hour," Reno shrugged. Looking around he saw Hojo staring at him and Zack. "I hate that guy. Why doesn't the president let one of the Turks kill him?"

Zack followed Reno 's gaze and immediately turned back around. It made him nervous when Hojo looked at him with, what appeared to be, lust in his eyes.

"Well…he does help make SOLDIER stronger. I mean, look how powerful Seph is," Zack said, looking at the silver haired general. Naturally his eyes moved to Tseng, who was gesturing wildly. It looked like he was reenacting a ' Reno moment.'

"Seph's crazy though." At Zack's look Reno quickly amended what he had said. "I meant…sure he's really strong and all, but he **does** have a temper on him."

"And Tseng doesn't? And that's without the mako in him. Turks must be too soft to handle it." Zack might've worshiped the ground Tseng walked on, but he would always defend Seph first.

"What? We're too soft? Or maybe SOLDIER can't be useful without it." Reno said, his short temper finally flaring up. No one insulted his job and live to talk about it, most ended up with a bullet hole in their head or being beaten to death with his EMR.

"Oh please. Shinra would fall without its army. Turks aren't really needed; they're just a good threat." Zack looked a little surprised by what he had just said, but didn't retract his little dig.

People sitting near by began abandoning their own conversations to listen to the fight. Some had even scooted away a little.

"At least my boss doesn't look like a chick!" Reno yelled, not being able to take any more abuse.

Silence filled the lunchroom for the first time in Shinra's history. Everyone was looking between Reno and Zack's table and Seph and Tseng's. Zack stared at Reno in disbelief. Everyone saw that the two friends were about to kill each other and quickly distanced themselves.

As everybody ran for the doors Reeve walked into the cafeteria holding a cup of fresh coffee. He had heard shouting and then complete silence. Being bored, he is the head of Urban Development after all, he walked in to find out what was happening.

Unfortunately he walked in just as a herd of panicked Shinra employees were trying to flee. Someone shoved into him, spilling coffee all over his suit.

"Dammit! This is why I send Cait Sith everywhere for me!" He turned around to go to his office to get the extra suit he had. With Reno always pulling pranks, you never knew when you'd need a change of clothes.

As he walked down the hall towards the elevators he heard what sounded like the beginning of a food fight.

'That's weird, I thought everyone had left…This coffee is never going to come out.' Reeve thought, wiping at his jacket.

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Okay! That's it for our first chapter! Let us know what you think. We are lazy people and work well with encouragement. What? Needing a little love is no sin, hahaha.


	2. Silence Ain't So Golden

Disclaimer-

Don't own anything here. Sorry to disappoint.

A/N:

All right...well, it was Corncob's turn for a chapter. You will notice that the first chapter was probably funnier, more well written, and just all around better. Sorry for this crap of a chapter.

**----**

"He said he looked like a chick! Can you believe it!? You know...sometimes I feel like you are the only one I can count on anymore. You don't know how grateful I am just to have somebody to listen to me, Vincent."

Zack paused and looked up into the bored, red eyes of Vincent Valentine- or as he was now commonly called- "The Lunch Lady."

He was currently waiting for Zack to stop rambling about yesterday's incident and to place his order. Sadly, his usual technique of looking disinterested until the other party gave up didn't seem to work on the chatty First Class. Taking a new approach, he decided to just be direct.

"What do you want to eat?"

Zack made a displeased face as he looked down upon the day's food choices. There was a bready substance and then the left over 'chicken' from yesterday (he still hadn't decided if that was actually what it was).

"Do we have anything...better?" Zack asked, conspiratorially grinning. "You know...since I am buddy-buddy with the Lunch Lady and all. Maybe you could whip me up something special?"

"No." Came the abrupt, monotonous answer as he made Zack's decision for him, plopping a blob of the bready food onto his tray. "Now go away."

Zack looked out at the cafeteria for a moment, then turned his attention back to Vincent. He really didn't want to go out there yet.

"Who am I supposed to sit with? If Reno thinks I am sitting with him, he has another thing coming."

Vincent groaned quietly, cursing himself for ever joining this god-forsaken company in the first place.

"I don't care who you sit with. Now move on. I have people to..." he seemed to be struggling with the word. "..Serve."

Zack, in a valiant attempt to stall for time, decided now was a good time to ask a question that had been bugging him for the last 24 hours.

"What was Tseng talking about when he said you did this to yourself? Why are you stuck in the lunchroom?"

Vincent's eyes slid shut in annoyance. In his head he was trying desperately to think of 10 reasons why he shouldn't want to brutally murder the young soldier. Unfortunately, he was having trouble thinking of one.

Sighing in defeat, Vincent opened his eyes to regard the other man cooly.

"If I tell you, will you go sit down?"

In response to Zack's eager nod, Vincent groaned for what seemed to be the 12th time today and set down his serving ladle, smoothly flipping the bird to the complaining Shinra employees waiting in line.

"I was suspended from my usual duties as a Turk for 'conspiring with a homicidal intent..th-'"

"But you're a Turk!" Zack interrupted. "That's all you _do._"

Vincent smirked. "I was suspended for conspiring against a few of the less...likable Shinra officials. Regrettably, Tseng took notice of the poisoned food before Scarlet or Palmer got their hands on any."

He grinned inwardly at the Zack's eyes immediately fell to the food on his tray. Suddenly, the line behind hi didn't seem so crowded.

"So...you got caught trying to poison some of the people here...and they _put you in charge of __**food**__**"**_

Vincent shugged. "Powerful, wealthy, evil. ShinRa is said to be a lot of things. But nothing has ever been said of it's over all intelligence." He picked up his ladle.

"Now leave."

"One more thing!" Zack yelped, hoping Vincent would grant him this request. He took the unimpressed stare to be a "yes?"

"What should I do about Reno?" he questioned.

Rolling his eyes, Vincent waved him off. "Sit with him. Just don't talk to him until he apologizes."

Pouting as the few remaining in line behind him chorused with "It's about time," he mouthed 'I'll be back' before making his way into the seating area of the cafeteria.

Vincent began plotting all the ways he could get himself kicked out of lunch duty.

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As he drew nearer and nearer, Zack could see Reno sitting at their usual table. Also, as usual, not many people dared to sit near the young Turk without his friendly companion around.

Passing by Tseng and Seph's table, he happily took notice that Tseng had chosen the bready creation to eat as well.

"Well...Here it goes." he muttered quietly to himself as he approached his table and took a seat.

He didn't so much as spare Reno a glance as he seated himself and began poking at his food.

"Sick-ass, Man. Should'a gone with the left over chicken." Reno said, sounding as if there was no disagreement made just a day before, eating a forkful of his own unidentifiable slop.

After a few attempts to get the Soldier to talk, Reno began to catch on.

"Are you giving me the silent treatment?!" he asked, disbelievingly.

"Who are you now, Tseng?" Knocking on the table a few times trying to get Zack's attention, he was quickly fed up with the lack of response.

"Fine. If you don't want to talk to me then...then I'm sitting somewhere else."

As he continued to stare down Zack (which was difficult, being that Zack wouldn't look at him), he shuffled backwards cautiously until he felt the first table behind him.

_Who did he thing he was? Ignoring __**me? **__Well you know what? I don't need you, Zack. If you want to play, then fine. The game is on, and the dice are in my corner.._

Sitting down in the empty chair, he continued staring at Zack, half believing any moment that his friend would look up and smile at him, this having all been a weird joke.

Zack did look at him then, only it wasn't the look he had been expecting. It was a look of complete, wide-eyed confusion. As he followed Zack's eyes from himself, to something behind him, and back to himself, he began to worry if he had made a bad decision.

Straining his memory to remember just who in their right minds would be crazy enough to sit this near to him, his own eyes widened in horror as realization struck.

"Hello." Came the chilling voice. Reno whipped his head around, only to lock gazes with a very smug looking Hojo.

Half-a-second later found Reno halfway across the lunchroom, now seated with some extremely nervous looking Junior Turks.

---

Since Reno's abrupt departure, numerous cadets and fellow Soldiers had wandered up in hopes of joining Zack for the remainder of his lunch break.

His food still mostly untouched, Zack stood and said goodbye to the table full of admiring men and boys. His lunch was over, it was time to get back to work. He had to beat Seph back to the office today so he could finish up the paper work he claimed to have finished the day before.

Making his way over to the trash bins, he realized gleefully that he would have to pass by Reno's new table. Beginning his trek across the room, he saw a blonde head bobbing around in front of him. It was Rufus Shinra.

He appeared to be trying to figure the best way of getting around the burly man blocking his way. Deciding that his humiliation of Reno could wait long enough to do a good deed, Zack veered off his intended course and walked over to the young man.

"Good afternoon, Sir. Can I help you get around this large male?" Zack offered, grinning.

He smiled at the glare he received from the young Vice President. The boy didn't like the fact that he was too new to the position to use his power over the military just yet.

"No thank you, Zack, I do appreciate the offer though. I need to learn how to do this on my own someday. He does look a little top heavy, though. Perhaps a shove would effectively move him?"

Zack's eyes flickered back and forth, before he leaned down to Rufus's ear.

"You think you can get away fast enough?"

As Rufus smiled, Zack gave him the thumbs up and pat on the back for good luck as he went back on his way. Over his shoulder he could hear a loud thud and what sounded like a groan of agony. The big guy must have landed on somebody. Judging by the string of curses, it sounded like Reeve.

As he dumped his tray in the trash and got to Reno, Zack brushed past him and tilted his head down to pass the intended message.

"That was pretty smooth with Hojo, man."

Feeling as though he had taken more than enough abuse in the last 2 days, Reno had reached his breaking point. Leaping up from his table, he jabbed a bony finger into Zack's chest.

"At least I'm not the one who got caught with _my pants down_ with pictures of my Boss!"

For the second time in two days, silence overtook the cafeteria. Even the newest "Lunch Lady" ceased his food serving to stare disbelievingly at the blushing First Class.

Somewhere in the large room, a fork dropped. Tseng's fork, to be exact.

All eyes moved at once to the table occupied by the two offensive department leaders.

Tseng was stunned, smiling evilly at Sephiroth, who was staring straight ahead at a far off wall. Coming out of the shock and biting back a uncharacteristic chuckle, Tseng's grin grew wider.

"You didn't tell me about that."

At the sudden slam of a door, all eyes returned to see Reno smirking in the direction of the cafeteria door that Zack had just shot out of.

Strangely, it was that moment that Sephiroth and Tseng chose to disappear as well, though Tseng's laughter could be heard from a near by corridor.

--

Later that night

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_All right. There is no need to start a real fight over this. You just need to wait it out, Zack, let Reno apologize and everything will be okay._

Sighing, Zack fell back into his bed, pulling the blankets over himself.

_I definitely need to talk to Vincent tomorrow._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_**End of Chapter**_

All right, that's all for now. Hope it doesn't sound too forced/ridiculous.

Trust me, things will get better, we just have to GET there first. So please bear with us. If nothing else, rest assured that since Loop does the next chapter, it will be much better!


	3. Darn that Holt!

We own nothing...though we often make wishes about it...dreams do come true, right?

* * *

YES! This is ToolittleToolate's chapter, which means that it's mediocre. And don't worry, corncob isn't writing this little message, she would never be THIS mean to me. Or I hope not, at least. Well, let's get this over with so you can get to the next chapter, which will most likely be better. ENJOY!!

* * *

"Hey there Vinny! How's life treating you?" Reno walked up to the lunch line. He looked up and down at all the possible choices. "You should really improve the menu some."

"Go away Reno," Vincent growled, trying to resist the urge to throw the ladle at the young man.

"Go away? You're the lunch lady! You're supposed to be nice, caring, considerate, and serve me food," Reno said. Vincent closed his eyes and attempted to count to ten, only to be interrupted.

"So…you gonna give me my food?" Reno asked, peering closely at him.

"Fine, here. Now leave," Vincent turned away and tried to look busy with a can of peaches.

"Cheery little attitude there, yo. And thanks for the job! I love being Second in Command of the Turks," Reno walked away laughing.

Vincent ran a hand over his face. _I swear I'm going to kill him one day._

Reno was still smiling as he made his way through the crowded lunch room. Looking around, he wondered who he would grace with his presence today. His eyes settled on Zack, who was surrounded by five other SOLDIERs.

_Hmmm, he should be over it by now. We've fought before, and made up instantly._

Shrugging, Reno walked over to the table. After standing behind a few of them for a minute or two, he was noticed. He watched with amusement, as they slowly started to recognize who it was that was standing there. Before he could even smile, Zack was sitting alone.

"Ha, you'd think that they hadn't seen anything scarier than me. So, how's you're day going so far?" Reno asked, taking a seat across from Zack.

Zack looked up but didn't say anything. When he caught Reno's eye he quirked an eyebrow and waited.

"That bad, huh? Yeah, mine's sucked so far. Tseng yelled at me for gluing thumb tacks all over Rufus' chair," Reno smiled and looked off, almost like he was reliving it. "Where does he get off accusing me? It could've been Rude or somebody else!"

Zack sighed and went back to eating. Reno looked back at his friend, who was being unusually quiet. Scratching the back of his head, Reno waved a hand in front of Zack's face.

"Yo, anyone home?" Zack looked up and gave him one of the coldest looks he had ever received. Who would've thought the man had it in him?

"What? Are you giving me the silent treatment or something?" At Zack's response, or lack of, Reno's jaw dropped. "Why?"

"How can you not know why? I knew you didn't always use your head, but I thought you used it enough to figure this one out." Zack was beyond hurt and angry, and he intended to let it show.

"Come on, man. That's a little harsh, don't you think?" Reno asked. Zack went to push his chair away from the table. Unfortunately he ended up pushing the table instead; right into Reno's stomach.

With a loud "oomph" Reno dropped his fork, clutching his abused stomach. He gave Zack a kicked puppy look and disappeared under the table to retrieve his fork. As he grabbed the elusive utensil, he noticed a pair of boots walk up and stop by the table.

"Hey Zack, seen any good pictures of the General lately?"

_Crap. Fuckin' A! Why did this asshole have to show up now?_

"No, Holt, I haven't. Now please leave," Zack's voice was cold. The boots turned, as if to walk away, and then stopped.

"I think the General will be looking for a more…trustworthy second in command soon. I think I might be the right person for the job; seeing as how I'm not attracted to my boss."

The boots walked away leaving Reno alone with Zack.

_Maybe I can pretend I had a heart attack while I was down here. He can't be mad at someone who's dead, right?_

Fate was not with Reno today though, as Zack got up and walked around the table. Reno raised his head a little, coming face to face with a VERY angry and pissed of Zack. As he stared into the eyes of Death, only one thought crossed his mind. _He looks a lot like an angry leap frog, I love that game!_

"It's on," Zack said. He slowly got up and walked out of the cafeteria, leaving behind a very confused Reno.

---

Reno slammed the door to his office open. This was just great, he didn't have many friends as it was, and he had managed to alienate one of the few he had. He had to relax, so walking over to his chair he began the activity that always calmed him down.

Spinning in his chair; he didn't know why, but perching in his chair, spinning around like a 5 year old was an excellent way to wind down. As he spun so that he was facing the open door, he caught a glimpse of black hair.

"Crap, Zack was being serious when he said 'it's on.'" Reno jumped off the still moving chair and hid under his desk.

"Reno! I know you're in here, I just saw you," a loud voice said from the doorway.

Reno peeked out over the top of his desk, holding a pen like a sword. Seeing a man with dark hair, he attacked. He let loose a war cry and jumped over his desk, sending papers flying.

Just as he was about to plunge the pen into the man's arm, he felt himself being shoved from behind and was sent flying into the door. Bouncing of like some deranged pinball, he landed unceremoniously on his butt.

Reno looked up, waiting for the blow that would most likely kill him. When he saw who was standing over him, with an amused expression, he let out a sigh.

"Tseng, you ass, I thought you were Zack coming to kill me," Reno yelled, climbing to his feet.

"And why would you think that, Reno? It's not like you've done anything that would warrant that, right?" Tseng asked, folding his hands in front of his chest.

"N-no, of course not. What would make you say that?" Reno asked, refusing to make eye contact.

"Look, I know what you've said to him, and I want you to stop this immature behavior. And yes, I know what he's said to you as well," he continued when he saw Reno's expression.

"He started it…"Reno mumbled, looking down. "Why does it matter to you anyway?"

"It's upsetting Sephiroth, and when he's upset, he's not much fun at lunch. That ruins my day, makes me irritable, and makes me want to take it out on you. Got it?" Tseng turned to leave.

"Hey, boss-man! You know how we protect the president and the brat?" Reno asked.

"If you're talking about Rufus when you say 'brat,' then yes. What about it?" Tseng asked, looking over his shoulder.

"Well, do we have anyone that protects us?" Reno asked, looking hopeful.

Tseng just smiled, and walked out, closing the office door behind him.

"Well, that could'a meant three things. Either no one protects us, I'm stupid for asking, or he didn't feel like telling me," Reno went back to his chair and sat down. "I am so screwed."


	4. Gather Ye Comrades

Disclaimer- We don't own any characters or potato chip brands. Lays is defiantly not ours.

All things belong to their respective companies.

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Well! It's another chapter! Yaaaay!! This was actually written on the 7th...but we decided to hold off posting it for a little while. We figured that if we post too often, people will come to expect it, then when we have our inevitable bouts of laziness and don't post...People will expect it still.

So anyway. This is an even chapter, so that means it was my (CornCob's) turn. Ah, so...hope you enjoy!

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"Hey Vin..." Zack sighed out, over-dramatically.

Vincent seemed to be weighing the pros and cons of returning the greeting, but was spared a decision when Zack continued.

"How are you today? The other Lunch Ladies treatin' you all right?" the black-haired man asked with a smile.

Vincent glared as Zack leaned over onto the glass-covering of the buffet style serving table, folding his arms and resting his chin on them.

"I am fine, thanks. I would rather be back to the usual agenda of killing men and kidnapping children than serving you miscreants food, however. And the other inferior lunch monkeys do not speak to me. Which I am quite pleased about."

No longer caring to ask what the SOLDIER wanted for lunch, he served him a large helping of questionable contents, grimacing at the way it dripped off of the spoon._ Perhaps I should consider improving the menu.._

Seeming to dwell on Vincent's response, Zack shook his head and seemed to make himself more comfortable on the buffet top. Vincent wondered to himself if Zack holding up his line was something he should get used to, or if he should just kill the man now and save himself the headache.

"Look Vincent. I did like you said. It didn't work! He didn't even think he did anything wrong!"

Vincent just continued to stare at the distressed man, wondering if there was any sort of valid point being made. He was considering telling the young man that he did not care to hear what he had to say, nor did he want to be involved in his social life, when he remembered a certain...offense.

"_**Thanks for the job. I love being Second-in-Command of the Turks" the smug redhead jibed, walking away laughing.**_

_Ah, Reno. You've just dug your own grave._

Vincent knew an opportunity when he saw one, especially when said opportunity held the sweet promise of revenge. Now all he had to do was wait for Zack to ask. He wouldn't offer his help, oh no, that wasn't his style. He would wait for Zack to ask and reluctantly agree, acting as though it were the last thing he wanted to be doing.

"I suppose he is a little dim.. Perhaps you should just work a little harder to get your point across." he offered in an uninterested manner. And the bait was set.

Zack looked up hopefully, and Vincent knew he was going to play right into his hands.

"You know any tricks?"

Vincent grimaced. "I am not a dog."

"No, No, No!" Zack waved his hands, afraid of angering the man and losing his potential help. Not knowing that he was going to be receiving it one way or another.

"I meant tricks as in..things I could do to Reno! After his stunt yesterday...and Holt...he made it clear that he wasn't going to apologize, and I told him that it was on."

_Excellent_.

"I may be able to help you out on a few things." the Turk-Suspendee offered, buffing his nails on his apron in a bored manner.

Zack looked flabbergasted.

"So you will help me!? Oh great! I couldn't have asked for a better partner!"

Vincent nodded softly and pretended to glance around cautiously, making sure than no one would hear what he had to say. He beckoned Zack to lean to him, who anxiously complied.

_I suppose we will start_ _small...I am not sure of the boys intelligence yet. He has done nothing to prove his knowledge being higher than that of a large grapefruit..._

"Stop breathing in my ear, Kid...This is what you should do first..."

As he watched his _ex_-best friend trade secrets with Valentine from across the room, Reno seethed. He couldn't believe it. He could not goddamn believe it.

Is that why Zack wouldn't talk to him? Because he went and got himself a new friend?

Trying to sooth his growing anger and deny that half of what he was feeling was jealousy, he decided to vent his frustrations on his lunch.

After about 45 seconds of trying to have a "funeral service" for a pea in a "grave" of mashed potatoes, he felt much better. Of course, then it hit him that someone may have been watching him.

_Did I seriously just do that?_

Looking around to see if anyone had watched him play funeral director with his food, Reno was relieved to see that no one appeared to have noticed.

_And if they did...Fuck them._

Pushing his tray into the center of his otherwise empty table, he scanned the room for Zack. He wasn't in the lunch line...Valentine was now serving some young recruit who seemed to be struggling just to speak. Vincent was a creepy fucker...Not that Reno was intimidated by him, of course...

_Nah, just stole his job is all..._ he thought, uneasily.

A few more seconds of looking around found Reno to still be Zack-less.

Unbeknownst to the searching redhead, the SOLDIER in question was standing right behind him, a large bag of Potato Chips (complements of a certain Lunch 'Lady') in hand.

It seemed as though all time stood still as Zack dropped the bag of chips to the floor and raised his foot to stomp upon it.

The perfect replica of a gunshot rang through the air just behind, arguably, the jumpiest Turk on the force.

As Reno leaped from his chair, it was only his mako-enhanced reflexes that allowed him to dodge from harms way as the Mag Rod swung out and collided with the first thing it found.

Which in Zack's absence just happened to be..

_Oh SHIT._ was Zack's first and thought.

Rufus Shinra.

Because of him, Reno just bludgeoned the Vice President with an electric stick..

Maybe...just _maybe_ nobody would notice him as he began to crawl away. After all, all attention was now on the young blonde laid out on the cafeteria floor, and the horrified Turk responsible.

Looking up, Zack's eyes connected with those of hard, mako-green.

Again, only one thought could be fathomed

_Oh Shit._

Sephiroth had seen.

He noticed then that in those few seconds, Tseng had managed to cross the room and make it to his young charges side in a resounding 3 or so odd seconds. Many of the Shinra employees joked that Tseng had a "Rufus Sense" and would twitch whenever Rufus was in danger. Thus far, no one had been able to build a case proving it to be false.

As he heard Tseng begin the unceremonious chewing out of Reno, and Sephiroth pushed away from the table, Zack knew he didn't have long.

He had only one hope. One safe place to hide. Pulling himself off the floor, Zack made a mad dash for the Shinra Kitchen doors.

Though he had never seen the _other_ side of the food serving buffet, Zack had no time to take it in as he was now in a state of extreme panic.

Everyone had bought their lunch and Vincent was no where to be found.

He was considering either hyperventilating or just plain out surrendering himself to Seph when Vincent came around the corner.

Zack had never been happier to see a man in an apron in his whole life.

--------------------

After prying the terrified man off of him, Vincent led Zack into the back of the kitchen and into the storage area. It looked as though it had been set up as a make shift break room of some sort. There was a table (Zack tried to ignore the large handgun resting on top of it, and other leaning up against it) set up amidst the stacks of supplies, along with a stool and a few other miscellaneous items.

"This..." Vincent said, gesturing halfheartedly around the room, "will be our Head Quarters."

Already, Zack seemed excited at the prospect of the shady activities that everyone knew came along with having a 'Head Quarters" (failing to realize, of course, that ShinRa itself was an HQ).

"They let you stay back here? Cool!"

Vincent smirked and seated himself on the single stool.

"Well, as I said. They are too scared to speak to me, ergo- No one is going to tell me to move."

Zack made an "oh" face as he glanced around the room, finding himself a seat on a stack of something near the table.

"..You're crushing my buns..." the apron clad man said, as if it wasn't the most ridiculous statement to ever have passed his thin, frowning lips.

Immediately Zack hopped off of the bread, apologizing and settling himself on the floor a yard or so from Vincent's feet, ready to get down to planning.

"But it's not my fault! I was scaaaaared!!" Reno whined out pathetically, now trapped in his Boss's office, getting a firm ass-chewing from Tseng.

"You were scared?" Tseng parroted flatly, disbelief written across his sharp features, the dot on his forehead forming an uneven oval as he raised one skeptical brow.

"The man who sneaks into Hojo's laboratory on numerous–and highly illegal– occasions, was scared of a "Ruffled Lays" bag. And then expects this fear to excuse striking the Vice President– bruising his left eye and cheek, no less– with a Mag Rod?"

It took Reno a few moments to realize that Tseng was expecting an answer.

"Well...yea."

Shaking his head and mumbling something about never having should've suspended Valentine, Tseng massaged the bridge of his nose and looked again at Reno.

"Taking this in to account, as well as your recent misbehavior, you need to watch it, or you are going to find yourself in a lot of pain." Tseng then gestured towards the door, letting Reno know he was dismissed.

-----------------------

Once outside of the door, Reno recalled the flash of violet just before his rod connected with Rufus' head.

"ZACK!"

_He was there!! He tricked me! That bastard! I should have known!_

Resisting the urge to punch a hole the wall, knowing that it would only get him into more trouble, Reno stormed down the hallway.

_Popping the chip bag...That was fuckin' low...And yet...genius. No way Zack came up with that. He usually relies more on strength or surprise...Not stealth...He had help._

Reno froze in the middle of the hall, employees going out of their way not to pass too near to him.

If Zack could have a secret partner...Then so could he.

_But who..._

The way he saw it, he had two choices, since Zack was out of the question (for obvious reasons).

Rude...Or Elena.

Rude would be good, since that was his usual partner..They understood each other. Knew the others thoughts without saying a word. But the question was...Would he go for it? He usually gave the impression of taking his job seriously..but you never know.

Elena would be obnoxious, but she had her advantages. She was smaller, and therefore sneakier, and when dealing with an enemy such as Zack, stealth was a must. And there was no telling who his mystery partner was, so Reno wasn't going to risk underestimating their ability.

Turning on his heal, Reno decided to debate this all the way to his fellow Turks' offices.


	5. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue

Disclaimer: We own nothing. If we did, we wouldn't be writing, we'd be making this into a little moving. If only dreams came true...

A/N: (this is TooLittleTooLate) I'm am so sorry that it took so long for me to write this. Graduation, laziness, you know how it goes. And it looks like the next one might be awhile too. So read this one slow, to make it last. Oh, and the title should make sense at the end...hopefully you guys get it. I liked it...ENJOY!

* * *

Reno walked into his office and smiled at the two Turks sitting in front of his desk. Walking to the grease board he had set up earlier, he turned and faced them. 

"You're all probably wondering why I've gathered you here. It seems as though a war is starting, and yours truly is right in the middle of it. Now, I've asked…" Reno stopped is speech and looked at Elena.

Elena was sitting there waving her hand in the air. At Reno's questioning look, she stood up.

"Why do you need our help? And why do you think we would even help you after all the pranks you've pulled on us?" Elena stared at Reno, her arms crossed over her chest.

"If you would wait a minute, I'd tell you. Now sit down," Reno rolled his eyes. "I need your help because an attack against one Turk is an attack against all Turks."

Hoping for sounds of agreement from the two, Reno was disappointed when all he got were blank stares.

"Besides, if one of his pranks doesn't get me, it'll get one of you two…or Tseng. And we don't want that, now do we?" Reno smiled when the two slowly nodded. They weren't jumping at the idea to assist him, but he would take what he could get.

"And what exactly do you want us to do?" Rude asked, quirking an eyebrow at his partner.

"Before we can do anything, we first have to know who our enemy is working with. It has to be someone sneaky. Someone who doesn't like me much," Reno mused out loud.

"Well, that doesn't really narrow it down any. A lot of people don't like you," Elena said.

_Why did I want her on my side? She never shuts up…_

"It would need to be someone he trusts…" Reno tapped his chin. "I've got it! I'll question that little blonde SOLDIER that's always following him. What's his name? Star, Sun, Heaven? Cloud! I'll call another meeting when I've found out who's helping the little porcupine. Dismissed!"

----

Walking down the hall, Reno spotted Cloud walking into the bathroom. Hurrying to catch up, he ran into the bathroom and locked the door. Cloud turned around at the sound and looked at Reno questioningly.

"Hey there, how's it going?" Reno asked stepping closer, trying to look like he hadn't just sprinted down the hall to lock himself in the bathroom with another guy.

"Umm…can I help you?" Cloud asked.

"Yeah, I think you can actually. You're around Zack a lot, right?" When he got a nod he continued. "So, you would know who he's working with."

"Working with? He works with other SOLDIERs and Sephiroth. You know that."

"That's not what I mean. I'm sure you've noticed our little… fight in the cafeteria," Reno said. "That last stunt he pulled wasn't his style. He had help, I know it. And I know you know who it is that he's working with."

"Wh-what would make you say that?" Cloud asked, shooting a look at the locked door.

With a sigh Reno walked up to Cloud until he was inches away. He slouched so that he was eye level with him and spoke in a quiet voice.

"Let's stop pretending. I'm a Turk. I could make this very difficult and painful for you," Reno reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife. He held it up to the side of Cloud's face and lightly dragged it across his cheek. "Why don't you just tell me what you know?"

"Fine! I know who he's working with, I saw him talking to him the other day before lunch, they were behind the buffet counter whispering," Cloud said as fast as he could.

Reno stepped back a little, but continued to play with the knife. Cloud was easier to break than he had thought.

"And who is this 'he'?" Reno asked, staring at his knife.

"Vincent Valentine."

"See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Reno smiled and pocketed the knife. He walked to the door and unlocked it.

"Shin ra thanks you for your cooperation," Reno said as he opened the door and left.

----

(This be the next day now)

"I've decided that I'll only be requiring the assistance of you for now. No need to involve more people than necessary," Reno said.

He was sitting behind his desk looking at Elena.

"Why me? I thought you'd choose Rude, he is your partner after all," Elena said.

"'Cause you're more suited to my needs, now stop asking questions and do as I say," Reno replied.

"Don't talk to me like that!" Elena yelled, looking deeply offended.

"What, you want me ta flatter you? That ain't happening," Reno said.

"If you're not nicer to me…I won't help you," Elena said, sticking her chin out.

"What? If I'm not nicer to you? Are we in third grade our something?" Reno smirked.

"Fine, you can deal with Zack yourself. Besides, you started it, so he has every right to get back at you!" Elena stormed out of his office.

_I swear that girl is on permanent PMS._

----

"Who are you?" Vincent asked, looking at the woman suspiciously.

"I'm the new lunch lady, sugar. They decided you could use some help, so here I am!" she smiled cheerily.

Vincent stared at her, looking her up and down. She was wearing the standard lunch lady uniform and had her curly grey hair in a hair net. She walked with a slight limp and slouched a little. She had a nametag that said her name was 'Violet'.

Deciding that she was, in fact, a lunch lady Vincent asked her to stir the chili. Still smiling, she happily agreed.

Looking over at Violet every few minutes to make sure she was doing alright, Vincent continued with his routine of serving food.

Glancing at the clock he noticed that there was only ten minutes left to serving lunch. Sighing with relief he started to clean up a little. It's not like he was expecting a huge crowd to come rushing up at the last minute anyway.

"You can start cooling the chili down," he said, turning to Violet.

Unfortunately just as he was turning around, Violet was walking by with the huge pot of boiling chili. Violet tried to stop but tripped and spilled chili all over Vincent.

"Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I didn't know you were standing right there," Violet said, attempting to brush some of the chili off. "I sure do hope none of this leaves a burn mark on that handsome face of yours. I'm sure all the young ladies would be after my hide."

Vincent brushed her hands off of him and turned to walk into the back part of the kitchen.

"I'll be fine. It's ok, really Violet. Can you manage the last few minutes of lunch? I need to go wash up," Vincent said, trying to keep his voice calm. It's not like he could yell at some little lunch lady, right?

Vincent was just pushing the door open when he heard "Reno?! Why are you dressed like a lunch lady?"

Turing around he saw Tseng staring at…Violet? What was Tseng talking about? This wasn't Reno, this was VIOLET.

"I do believe you've gotten me confused with someone else, darling," Violet said.

"Reno, I know it's you. You used that disguise last time you snuck out of the hospital," Tseng said, still staring in shock.

"Are you feeling well, sweetie?" Violet asked, looking over at Vincent. When she saw him staring she gave a noticeable gulp.

"I don't know what you're up to Reno, but whatever it is, stop it. And make sure you return that to whomever you took it from," Tseng shook his head and walked over to his lunch table.

"I don't know why he would think I'm this 'Reno' person. I've never heard such a silly name before," Violet said with a slight giggle. "You would've thought a Turk would know a lunch lady when he sees one."

"How do you know he's a Turk? You're new here," Vincent said, stepping forward.

"W-well, he j-just gave off t-that presence, ya' know?" Violet stammered.

"RENO! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU POURED HOT CHILI ALL OVER ME! I SWEAR I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Vincent lunged at Violet, or rather, Reno.

Reno, anticipating some kind of attack, was already running out of the cafeteria. For days the employees would be talking about the lunch lady that was hitching her skirt up, to reveal long legs clad in dark blue uniform pants, running like a bat out of Hell. Her hair net half off and red hair streaming out from underneath her short grey hair.

----

"Did you hear about that lunch lady? She spilled chili on Valentine."

"Who?"

"That crazy Turk that's always staring at Hojo like he wants to kill him."

"Oh, him; how could anyone spill something on him and live?"

Zack walked down the hall, listening to the conversations.

_What happened? I miss lunch one day and something exciting happens. _

But hearing about Vincent reminded Zack that he hadn't seen him that day, and they needed to plan out their next attack on Reno. Walking into the now deserted lunchroom, he made his way to the back.

When he walked in he saw Vincent trying to scrape chili out of his hair. Trying not to laugh at the sight of one of the most feared Turk, if not the most, covered in brown goop, Zack sat down on an overturned bucket.

"So, I heard a lunch lady attacked you," Zack said.

"She was no lunch lady. She was Reno," Vincent snarled. "He obviously found out I was helping you. Any idea who told him?"

"I didn't, if that's what you mean. And I don't know anyone who would've tol…oh," Zack stopped and frowned.

"What? You know who told him?" Vincent asked.

"It was probably Cloud. He's always hanging around me and probably saw the two of us talking," Zack smiled weakly. "Sorry."

"He's not really worth the bother. Now we have to get Reno back for this. First he takes my job, and then he dumps chili on me," Vincent said, a malicious light in his eye.

Zack gulped at the sight of Vincent smiling like a mad man…actually, this was the same look Hojo had a lot. Shuddering at the thought, he sat and waited for Vincent to come up with something.

"I've got it!" Vincent said, turning around to face Zack. "What does Reno prize the most?"

"Ummm…his hair?" Zack guessed.

"Other than that…what is he constantly messing with? What does he take everywhere with him?" Vincent asked, trying to lead Zack to the answer.

At Zack's blank look Vincent gave up. _This is why the kid isn't in the Turks, all brawn, no brain._

"His weapon, that stupid EMR."

* * *

A/N: I actually liked the way this chapter turned out. Review please, it makes us feel al warm and fuzzy inside. And if you do...PLEASE say more than "this is funny." That doesn't make us feel warm and fuzzy, it makes us feel luke-warm and bald...whatever. You get the general idea of what I'm going for...REVIEW PLEASE! And now it's corncob's turn, so bother her about taking too long. 


	6. Meet Delilah

Disclaimer:

We dun own nuthin! Haha. But really…all we have are two annoying dogs and a fairly impressive movie collection. Don't own Final Fantasy or Toys-R-Us, nor do we own the rights to Star Wars or the Light Sabers (including cheap toy replicas). We are, however, proud to say that Vin's apron was our own creation.

A/N:

Okay. So it's been..umm…A while. BUT! We have no CHOICE but to finish this story by the end of summer, before we both go our separate ways to college :( Hope you can enjoy and excuse the fact that this is an obvious filler chapter.

--------------------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 6

"Okay, Reno. When I say 'Go'…" Tseng whispered as the two men stood, pressed against a wall that was hiding them from the view of the semi-crowded room.

Shinra had been hinted off as to the whereabouts of a small terrorist meeting and sent a few of their Finest to deal with them accordingly. It was also no secret that the Turks had been more than a little bored lately. A room full of antsy murders who regularly toted guns was never a good thing, even by Shinra's Standards.

Reno just nodded viciously back to Tseng, eager to get his hands on the cowards in the next room, as well as to experience his first mission since filling in for Vincent as Second in Command.

"All Right.." Tseng raised his chin and took a deep breath, letting his eyes fall closed as he drew his pistol.

"Go."

With that, the two men burst from around the corner, picking out select hits, should trouble arise, and shouting out orders of 'Get down' that no one seemed too inclined to obey.

Secretly, Reno was pleased that no one listened. That meant he got to kick some ass.

He set his sights of a particularly burly man as he saw Tseng start hunting down a few victims of his own.

"Let's go, Fatty!" he taunted. He enjoyed immature insults, as well as pissing off his enemies. It tended to make them sloppier anyway. It also made completely trashing them even more interesting.

"Watch it, dog." The larger man sneered, looking Reno up and down in a disapproving manner. He figured his odds were pretty good against the starving wire of a man he was looking at.

"Now I will have to kill you even slower."

Giving a knowing smirk of his own, Reno raised his Electric Mag-rod. He hadn't used that baby in almost a week, something he planned to rectify right about now.

"We'll see about that."

Somewhere on the other side of the room, Tseng was wishing that Reno wouldn't talk so much.

Swinging his Mag-rod out to connect with Chub's head, Reno noticed a few things with a morbid fascination. A few awful, horrible, painfully cruel things.

_One_. The man wasn't dead…Or even convulsing on the floor in agony. Which was, per say, the usual result of such an action. _Two_… This was **Not. His. Mag-rod.** It wasn't a fucking Mag-rod at all! And finally, t_hree_: He was about to get his ass beat.

-------------------------------------------------

"You idiot! How in the burning _hell _do you not notice that someone had tampered with your weapon!"

Tseng paced back and forth in his office behind his desk, gesturing furiously as Reno sulked in the chair across from him.

"You're a _Turk._ Gaia, I'm beginning to believe I made a mistake suspending Valentine! You're more of a hazard than he could ever be, and we all know that man is _certifiable._"

This had been going on for the better part of an hour now- Tseng chewing him out for being such a disgrace and flying off the handle when Reno _dared_ to say a word in his own defense.

"What kind of loose-brained, blind, backwards _MO__RON_ are you?!"

Tseng took a few deep breaths, trying to remember what the doctor said about is blood pressure.

He stalked over to his desk and shoved things around until he wrapped his hand around a small, orange object.

Seeing this, Reno allowed himself a small prayer to the heavens. Thank Shiva.

It was Tseng's stress-relief ball.

Said relief ball was famous around the company- known for being the only saving grace that kept the Head of Turks from finally snapping and partaking in Happy Homicide Hour.

Reno had, personally, felt he owed such a dept to the little ball (as it had certainly spared his life several times) that he had taken to calling it 'Delilah.'

Reno tried not to smile as the image of a rampaging Tseng being quelled by a rather pathetic looking orange sack of sand passed through his mind. What made it worse was that the very same scenario he was imagining was taking place right before him.

"Why are you smiling." Not a question.

_Damn it. _He always got caught. When it came to Tseng, there were no unnoticed feelings.

Reno thought fast and smiled wider, which was hard considering his newly blackened eye, strained shoulder tendon, and multiple tazer wounds.

"Just how cute ya are, boss. Now I can see what Laney sees in you."

"OUT" That was his chance, and by the gods if he wasn't taking it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He knew he couldn't avoid it forever, but that didn't mean he hadn't tried. Though in Reno's case, 'forever' wound up being a matter of hours.

So there he was, waiting in the lunch line, none-too-eager to see the man responsible for all the pain his body was currently in. He _knew_ Vincent had switched his Mag-rod with that….that **_thing!_**

Jesus, all he had done was dump some CHILI on the guy, and THIS is what he got in return? Imagine if he had tried something serious!

Note to self, Reno thought. If you ever want to take Valentine out- Make sure you **finish the job the FIRST TIME.**

Sadly for Reno, the lunch line was moving considerably quickly that day, almost as though everyone was just leaving the line, and before he knew it he found himself face to face with his least favorite Co-Worker. No…scratch that…Hojo was still on the payroll. Second least favorite Co-Worker.

"Pineapple or pears?" The indifferent voice asked, almost as indifferent as the face the voice came from.

Vincent seemed to be acting as though nothing had happened, and that was just fine with Reno. If this was to be water bridge, then by gods, let it. He'd experienced enough pain today, thank you.

"Pears." he answered, keeping his eyes on his lunch tray. Vincent seemed to be smiling now, and he didn't even want to think about why. He actually had yet to even really look at the man.

After receiving his 100 '_Made with Love'_ lunch, he skittered off into the safety of the crowded lunchroom, sporting a slight limp.

With Reno gone, Reeve stepped up for his turn.

He, however, had not chosen to ignore Valentine, though he was now sorely wishing that he had, as it was near impossible to keep the petrified shock off of his face.

Blinking a few times, Reeve found himself disappointed that every time his eyes opened, he was still met with the same sight. It took him a few moments to comprehend just what it was he looking at.

Vincent stood at his full, proud height, his face warped in the most unstable grin that Reeve had ever seen on another human being. But that wasn't the worst of it.

Vincent Valentine, arguably the most terrifying Turk that Shinra had to offer, was wearing an apron. A baby yellow apron.

A baby yellow apron with the words "_Grilling Queen_" printed above a picture of a woman's cheerful face. Below the woman were the words "_It's not just my grill that's hot!"_

"Good afternoon, Reeve. Would you prefer pineapples or pears for your fruit today? I recommend the pineapples, and believe me, Mama-Vincent knows best."

A dull clang was heard as Reeve Tuesti dropped his metal tray to the floor before walking immediately to the nearest exit, whispers concerning Vincent's sanity making their way down the lunch line like wild fire.

* * *

By the time the line's 'rumors' reached Zack, the situation presented itself to be severe enough to justify cutting in line. 

As the concerned SOLDIER made his way to the front of the line (meeting no protest, as NO ONE wanted to be next), he could see Valentine grinning like mad, shaking a can of peaches as he 'welcomed' some new recruit to "Big Mama's kitchen" in what seemed to be……Ebonics.

Where Vincent would ever learn Ebonics (other than Reno of course, which seemed unlikely), Zack would probably never know, but there seemed to be bigger problems at hand. Like keeping Vince out of the insane asylum.

"What are you doing?!" Zack hissed, coming up behind the cowering recruit, who promptly made a run for it now that the crazy lunch man had a new victim. (Once he reached his lunch table, his cohorts would tease him that Vincent Valentine never forgot a face, and that just because he had gotten away didn't mean he had escaped.)

At the sight of Zack, Vincent put down his peaches, straightened his apron, and squenched his mouth, as though smiling like a lunatic had exhausted his face.

"Being a psychotic health hazard." Came the cool response. It startled Zack that Vincent could be so calm about something so…..something.

"But other than that- Nothing."

"I can see that!" Zack almost screamed, not comforted by Vin's mood swings, though grateful for his friend's returned sanity.

"But why?"

Vincent rolled his eyes as though the answer were the most obvious thing in the world. But then again, this was Zackary Fair he was dealing with.

Folding his arms and leaning on the buffet covering, he rested his head on his hands.

"Would _you_ take food from me?"

"Hell no!" Zack exclaimed without thinking. Then he paused.

"Well. Yea, but only cuz I know ya. But if I didn't…Yea, Hell No."

"Well, they _don't_ know me. And if nobody buys lunch, they'll need someone to blame. Then I'll get kicked off Hamburger Patrol and I can go back to killing people the _normal_ way."

Zack considered this, then nodded in agreement. Fortunately, he was no where near as dumb as Vincent seemed to believe he was.

"Yea, Okay. Well anyway- I just wanted to let you know that I'm calling this thing with Reno off. I'm gonna apologize and end this before Seph ends _me_."

Vincent just nodded and stood up straight once more, his eyes falling to his beloved can of peaches.

"Well it had better be a damned good apology. He's in deep shit with Tseng right now." If the can of peaches was capable of emotion, it would have whimpered at the smirk on Vincent's face. The Turk could practically _feel_ himself getting his position back.

The SOLDIER's uneasy glance took him from his thoughts.

"Yea…I saw him. What…happened to him?"

When the smirk returned, Zack almost wished that he hadn't asked. What was it about him, exactly, that attracted sociopaths?

"You ever been in Toys-R-Us?" Came the offhanded beginning of what was sure to be a dreadful explanation.

Zack only nodded, trying not to think of why Vincent would go to a toy store. Maybe that's where he abducted children and brought them to his home, torturing them and then eating them. Or maybe he brought them to the cafeteria!

The younger man shook his head before answering the other, who seemed to be waiting.

"Yea?"

"Ever seen those toy…..'Light Sabers," I believe they are called? Grey cylinder, and when you swing it, a retractable plastic pole slides out?"

Zack nodded once more, not fully grasping what was being said, too concentrated on Vincent in a toy store.

"…It looks an awful lot like an EMG. Though how the dolt didn't notice before the mission, I don't know. The weight difference is substantial."

"He went on a mission with a TOY?!" Zack looked absolutely horrified.

Oh man, this wasn't good. No wonder Reno looked so roughed up, and Vincent looked so smugly satisfied right now.

Sighing, Zack leaned over the counter and patted the older man's shoulder, earning him a gasp from everyone in the vicinity, and a little tick from Valentine himself.

"I'm going to go apologize and beg for forgiveness. Good luck getting dishonorably discharged from the Lunch Ladies Guild. See ya later, man."

He started off to Reno's usual table, trying to ignore the 'friendly' call of "Hey Baby! Wha-chu want for lunch, Hun?" coming from behind him.

Vincent Valentine was a sick, miserable bastard. He dared anyone to argue him on that one.

-----------------

END CHAPTER

ugh. that was exhausting to write, hahaha. a lot of effort for such an empty chapter.. :(

Hope you enjoyed it anyway though! Loop is typing the next one as we speak!


	7. Towering Peaches

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N: Joy of joys, it's my (TooLittleTooLate's) turn now. This is the chapter where it ALL happens! Violence, humor, anger, injury, betrayal, and so much more!! Interested? Good! Now I'll let you read this absolutely amazing chapter!!

* * *

Reno looked over to the lunch line to see how Elena was doing with her part of the operation. Pleased to see that she had successfully engaged Vincent in a conversation, he turned his attention back to Rude. 

"This is goin' to be so great! He's never going to see it coming," Reno all but squealed.

"Are you sure this is smart?" Rude asked, looking for their intended victim.

"Smart? Who cares if it's smart, all I care about is that it's going to show him why no one should ever mess with a Turk," Reno said. Rude shook his head and went back to sitting quietly.

"It's about time he got here. I was worried that he wouldn't show up," Reno got up. "You all set? When he gets outta the lunch line, wave him over, got it?"

Rude nodded his understanding and waited for Zack to leave the line. Rude was actually surprised by Reno's forethought in this plan. He had thought of everything, including a way to stop Zack from lingering in the line too long talking to Vincent. That's what Elena was for.

Zack stepped out of the line and looked around for a few seconds before spotting Rude, who was waving him over. Shrugging to himself as to why the bald Turk would want to sit with him, he made his way over.

"Hey there Rude," Zack smiled. Rude nodded in greeting. "How's Reno? He didn't look too good the last time I saw him."

"That'll happen when his weapon is replaced with a toy while he's on a mission," Rude said.

"Look, I didn't know that's what Vincent was going to do. I didn't want Reno to get hurt…this whole think has gotten out of hand," Zack sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm thinking of just apologizing and calling this stupid prank war off."

"You're…what?" Rude asked in amazement. He thought they were both too immature to ever come to a conclusion like that.

"It's just not worth it anymore. You think he'll hear me out?" Zack asked hopefully. Rude stared at him, wishing desperately that he didn't have to do what he was about to do.

Maybe he could get Reno to come over so they could talk. Looking past Zack towards Reno he saw the redhead frantically motioning to get on with it. He was making ridiculously over exaggerated killing motions.

He wasn't being very discreet; someone was going to notice the flailing red-head soon. And when they did, they would probably alert someone…like Tseng.

_Aw crap, Tseng! Reno didn't think about having to escape him. When he finds out about this, there's going to be hell in the office. Delilah's really going to get a work out. _

Deciding that he could no longer ignore his partner, Rude figured it was better to just get on with it.

"Sorry Zack, I don't really want to do this," Rude said as he stood quickly and pulled the table release.

Before Zack could fully process what Rude had said, the table folded in half and his lunch was in his lap. He looked from his lap to Rude in disbelief.

Suddenly there was some shouting coming from the drink machines. Hojo was pushing his assistants aside so that he could get a better look at what was happening. Smiling with glee at the sight of the SOLDIER covered in food, he couldn't stop himself from bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Zack shoved his chair away from the table, sadly he pushed too hard and the chair fell over backward. He closed his eyes as he crashed to the floor. A shadow came over him and he opened his eyes to see Reno staring down at him.

He had never seen him looking so happy before. Even behind Reno's black eye, Zack could see his green eyes twinkling with delight.

"You said it was on. So now I'm bringing the heat," Reno said, bringing his arm from behind his back.

Zack got a split second to look at what looked like a gallon size zip-lock bag of white goop. Before he could register what Reno was going to do, a big, chunky blob of cottage cheese landed on his head and chest.

And it wasn't just cottage cheese, oh no. It looked like Reno had been saving it in his pantry for at least three months. It had a funky green tint to it and smelled worse than that sweaty gym sock he had found after losing it for two weeks.

Still staring up at Reno as he laughed like a maniac, Zack retracted his statement of wanting to apologize to the red-headed menace. Suddenly Reno stopped laughing and turned his head slowly to the right.

Almost as if a light bulb had gone on, his grin fell and he motioned to Rude to run for it. Rude followed his gaze and walked away as quickly as he could. Reno gave one more amused look at Zack and booked it.

The sound of hurried footsteps reached his ears. Tseng had run over and began pulling the young man to his feet.

"I'm very sorry for Reno's behavior," Tseng muttered while attempting to brush Zack off. Realizing it was a lost cause he stopped and glared at the door Reno had disappeared through. "I'll make sure this doesn't happen again."

Zack just stared in awe at the fact that TSENG had helped him up. Unable to think of anything intelligent to say, he settled for nodding.

Tseng wiped his hands on a napkin and walked towards the swinging door. With more force than was necessary, he shoved the door open and walked out of the lunch room.

When the door swung back everyone could see Tseng 'power walking' down the hall. The door swung again to reveal Tseng sprinting down the hall. The third and final swing showed an empty hallway.

All the employees looked at each other nervously, no one ever wanted to see Tseng running. It usually meant something really bad was happening or about to happen.

Zack was still staring at the door when two people walked by catching his attention. It was Seph and…Holt?!

_What are they doing together? Seph doesn't even like him! He better not think this was my fault and be thinking of replacing with that…that…wanna be SOLDIER!!_

As the onlookers started to wander away, Zack felt utterly crushed. He couldn't believe Seph would do that to him. Unable to think of what else to do, he made his way over to his and Vincent's headquarters.

Just as he was about to walk in a towel hit him in the face, accompanied by a voice growling out "get out of my kitchen." Turning on his heel, he left to go get cleaned up. Obviously Vincent didn't want his kitchen dirtied.

-------

As he approached the door to his office, Seph's secretary came running around from behind her desk. She was clutching a dark blue sticky-note. She handed it to him wordlessly and walked quickly back to her desk.

_There's something seriously the matter with her, _Zack thought. _Oh yeah, I'm covered in rancid dairy product. _

Zack walked into his office and found a relatively clean towel to start cleaning himself off with. Once most of the food had been wiped out of his hair and off his shirt, he sat down at his desk to read the note from Seph.

Heaving a sigh when he saw that the note was written in black ink on dark blue paper, he tilted the paper to try and make the light show the letters clearer. After a few seconds of strategic moving, he finally got it.

_**Zack, we're leaving in the morning for a short mission. When we get back, I expect this little 'fight' to be over. **_

Sighing, he threw the sticky-not away and got up to go talk to Vincent. If he was leaving for a few days, he had to be sure Reno wouldn't try to take anything from his office. The last thing he needed was Seph on his case because his office had been broken into.

-------

"So, you think Reno's going to attempt to break into your office?" Vincent asked, resting his hands on the tomato crate they were using for a desk.

"Well, yeah. Don't you think he might try to?" Zack asked, looking over Vincent's shoulder.

"Of course I think he might. He's a Turk, an atrocious one, but still a Turk," Vincent said. Noticing Zack's curious expression he followed his gaze. He was staring at Vincent's tower of canned peaches. "What? I like peaches, now pay attention."

"Sorry, I just didn't peg you as a peach man," Zack tore his eyes away from the peaches. "So, what're we gonna do?"

"We won't do anything on the offense; instead we'll do something on the defense. We'll rig your office so that if he does try to get in, Tseng will know," Vincent said.

"How are we going to rig my office? We can't set it up to explode, I don't think Seph would like that very much," Zack said, looking worried.

"There _are _other ways to set traps without needing to blow things up. I was thinking more along the lines of dropping something on him, should he open the door," Vincent replied.

"Like something heavy?" asked Zack.

"No, like something sticky; that won't come out of his hair," Vincent looked around for some inspiration.

Noticing a jar in the far corner, he got up and walked over to it. Bending down to get a better look, he let out a low chuckle. He picked the jar up and brought it back over to their desk and set it down in front of Zack.

"We'll put this in a bucket and position it so that if anyone opens your door, it'll fall. Just remember to lock the door so that someone else doesn't get it," Vincent said, smiling like crazy.

"Maple syrup?" Zack asked, reading the label. He looked up at Vincent, wondering if this was really the right way to go with it. One look at Vincent's creepy smile and Zack decided it was better not to question the man.

He was really beginning to wonder of Vincent was losing it.

-------

Zack awoke the next morning three hours before they were supposed to leave on their mission. He wanted to make sure that nothing would go wrong to make Seph even angrier at him.

He got dressed quickly and rushed out to the air ship. Making sure that everything that needed to be packed had been packed, he went searching for the pilot. Rounding the front of the plane, he spotted a man leaning against the craft smoking.

Figuring this was the pilot, he approached the blonde man.

"Hey there, you the one flying us today?" he asked, being as friendly as possible. The man looked at him for a moment before replying.

"Looks like it, doesn't it? I mean, no one else is here with an air ship, are they?" the man asked, taking another drag from his cigarette.

Zack tried not to look affronted by the man's tone, and decided to just end the conversation quickly.

"What's you're name, anyway? I don't think I've seen you fly here before" Zack said.

"Name's Cid and I have flown for ShinRa before. Just 'cause you haven't seen me doesn't mean I haven't," the man said gruffly.

"I just wanted to make sure you were all set and knew where we were going," Zack defended himself.

"Well I do, so you can stop your worrying," Cid replied sharply.

"Okay, Cid, just making sure. I'll let you get back to…whatever it was you were doing," Zack said. He turned to walk back to the bags.

He double and triple checked that they had everything they needed. When he was satisfied that everything was there and neatly packed, he carefully put it all in the air ship. Turning around from putting the last bag in, he saw Seph standing there with a look of disbelief and surprise on his face.

"Well, this is unexpected Zack. What made you decide to be so efficient this morning?" Seph asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothing, sir, just doing my job," Zack saluted. He was actually amazed that he remembered how, it had been years since he had last done it. This, of course, didn't go unnoticed by Seph.

Shrugging and deciding to keep a close eye on his second-in-command, Seph got into the air ship. Zack sighed in relief, he had been sure that he was going to be questioned about his strange behavior. Maybe he _was_ over doing it a little, but he wanted to be sure not to give Seph a reason to get upset with him.

Hoping that their assignment wouldn't take too long, Zack climbed in after Seph and closed the door. As the engines warmed up, he thought about the bucket of syrup hanging over his door.

He prayed to Shiva that Reno wouldn't try to get into his office. He really didn't want to explain how syrup had gotten all over his floor and paperwork.

* * *

A/N: Okay, so I lied at the beginning, this chapter didn't have almost any of the things I mentioned. Hopefully it had humor, and it kinda had betrayal…but that's about it. Well, look forward to the next chapter, which will most likely be way better! But review this one too please!! 


	8. A Sticky Situation

Disclaimerance!

We don't own nothing.

A/N

Yay! Can you believe it? Three updates in a matter of three days! Now if only SOMEONE could make it four…..but that's not up to me. It's up to you :) SO beg her.

**jdhfjkdhgdfjdf**

CHAPTER 8

"All in all, I feel things went rather well, don't you?"

Sephiroth sat calmly at this desk, watching his second in command as he draped himself half on his desk, half on the other chair. He was actually lying more fully on Sephiroth's desk, with his lower half tilting off, and his feet propped up in the chair.

"Yup!" Zack answered cheerfully as he draped one of his arms across his face to cover his eyes. He was undeniably pleased with himself. During their mission, he had successfully gotten back on Seph's good side, and now that Seph was happy with him again, all was right in the world for Zack.

Of course, good things never last forever.

"Did you complete those forms?"

"Huh?" Zack took a moment to figure out what his superior was talking about, depressed that they were already talking business when they had only just returned.

"The Leave Request forms that I gave you before we left."

Zack rolled his eyes and glared at Sephiroth from around his arm.

"You mean the ones you pawned off on me? Yea…they're on my desk. Somewhere."

Zack's mock-glare turned to pathetic desperation.

"Can we just go over them _later? _ I just laid down!" Let no one ever say that whining was below a First Class.

Sephiroth took in Zack's awkward 'laying' posture once more before deciding to do the younger man a rare favor. He had been so well-behaved on the mission after all, perhaps he deserved to relax a little longer.

"I will go get them. They have to be turned in today."

As Sephiroth stood and advanced to the door, Zack lifted his head with a ridiculous amount of effort and smiled after his favorite general.

"You're a good man, Seph. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."

With that said, Zack flopped his head back onto the hard wood of the desk. He couldn't see the other man, but he knew that he was shaking his head at him. By now, Seph was probably over half way to Zack's office, as it was only two doors down. The only thing truly separating the two was an unused janitors' closet, one that Zack generally used for hoarding snacks and other necessities.

It was in that moment that something in Zack's mind clicked, and one thing became very clear.

He was probably about to die.

In all of the excitement of the mission, and his relationship with Seph out of danger, he had totally forgotten _about_ _Reno._ More specifically, the booby-trap he'd rigged over his own office door. The door that Seph would be approaching any second now.

Frozen in place, Zack realized that there was nothing that he could do. He couldn't yell for Sephiroth to stop, no. Then Seph would be angry at him again that the 'petty feud' was still going on. But he couldn't just let…

As he heard the lock click open and door handle twist with much more clarity than he ought to have, he could only picture that now three day old pitcher of syrup.

His heart was in his throat as he heard the unmistakable thick slosh of the liquid death dumping out.

_'Maybe he noticed, maybe he didn't walk in to the doorway…Maybe…"_

Exhaustion forgotten, Zack pulled himself up and peeked his head out of the door way. He couldn't quite see Sephiroth, as he _had_ been fully in the doorway when the disaster struck, and there was only one other person in the hall.

Rufus Shinra stood staring, clutching his thermos of coffee and stammering nervously. He didn't know _what_ was going on, but he did know that he did not want to be there.

As Zack passed him in the hall, he gave him an encouraging look and patted his head before steeling himself and turning to look in his own doorway.

Sephiroth stood frozen, remaining perfectly still as he dripped in the messy doorway. He was completely covered in the muck, and his beautiful, silver hair was no longer beautiful or silver. Seeing this made Zack die on the inside, and more than just a little.

It was going to take a miracle to get all of that out.

But there was no time to waste on that now. He had to concentrate on getting Seph out of a public hallway and back into his familiar, private office before he realized what was going on and started slaying.

Hesitating for only a second, Zack placed his hands on the taller man's stiffened shoulders before beginning the process of guiding him back to where they came from.

Reaching the sanctuary of Seph's office, Zack made sure to quickly close the door, tossing one last meaningful glance to Rufus(should he be the last one to ever see Zack alive) and pushed the door shut.

Before Zack could fully turn around he found himself smacking face first into a wall, attempting to gather his bearings as he slid limply down it.

He was about to stand when a sticky hand wrapped itself around his throat, hoisting him easily and violently into the air.

Zack tugged at the hand as he tried not to be intimidated by the enraged, mako-green eyes he was currently staring helplessly down into.

"I am going. To. _Kill_ you." The words came out in a deadly snarl, and Zack knew he had to think quickly. It was speak now or forever rest in peace, and naturally, passing the blame was the first thing to come to mind.

"Re..Reno did it!" he croaked out, watching as the rage in Seph's eyes turned in to a cold, dead, blank stare.

As he wondered briefly which expression meant something worse, he felt himself be placed gently down onto the floor. Sephiroth seemed to stare through him as he began to mechanically brush the younger man off.

Finishing his jerky movements of 'cleaning' Zack, Seph rounded and stiffly took a seat at his desk, staring blankly ahead before leaning forward and smacking his forehead onto his desk, showing no signs of picking it back up.

As Zack watched Seph's matted hair slowly creep and ruin countless documents, he could feel the guilt eating away at him. No one could see _The __General_ like this! But they couldn't exactly wait until everyone went home to get Seph out of here, either. They had to get him to a shower before that syrup dried. Once it hardened, there would be no way to get the stuff out, leaving a hair cut as the only option. And in all the years that Zack had known Sephiroth, he knew that his hair was the one thing that he had ever been given any control over.

So if it had to be cut because of **his** stupid mistake, then he….well. He didn't know what he' do.

"Seph?" Zack asked softly. He cringed as Sephiroth raised his head and reached up to remove the sheet of paper that had stuck to his face. The older man glanced at the soiled document in his hand with an almost forlorn expression, as though he knew things like this just _didn't_ happen to him, before dropping it. Zack tried not to let his friend's demeanor break his heart.

"I'm gonna go get Tseng, and we're gonna get you home, and get this cleaned up. Okay Buddy?"

As his determined strides reached the door, Zack withheld a flinch as Seph's head smacked back against the desk with a dull thud.

(((((((Guilt Trip)))))))

As Tseng and Seph waited around the corner of the hall, Zack approached the front of the crowded room on a mission. He was to distract the entire room, and while everyone was looking at him, Tseng would drag Sephiroth over to the elevator. Once there, they would be home free.

Reaching the front, Zack stood up on one of the tables. He didn't know quite what he was going to say yet, but he had never had any trouble BS'ing it before.

"HEY!" He bellowed, the room quieting down and looking to the man first in annoyance, but then friendly interest upon realizing who it was.

"I JUST WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNO-"

About this time, Tseng had begun the movement across the way. The two would-be stealthy men were stopped as a loud squeal filled the air, made louder by the already silent room.

"TSENG!" Elena had shrieked upon seeing her beloved boss, embarrassed that it had come out much louder than she intended.

Of course, she didn't have to worry as the room got impossibly silent-_er_, every ones' eyes falling on the Head Turk, whose arm was hooked with that of a syrup covered General.

_'Shit._' Was the only thought Zack seemed capable of managing at that moment. This was not supposed to happen.

Staring back at the wide-eyed crowd, both Sephiroth and Tseng stood momentarily still before snapping into Commander-Mode, barking out orders and instructions to their respective groups of subordinates. Before long the only remaining occupants were Zack, Tseng, and Seph, as well as a very confused looking Reno, who had been in the room when this all started and considered it his divine right to remain and find out what was going on.

Had Reno any idea that he was to be blamed for this, he may have very well made a run for it when everyone else was clearing out.

Upon seeing the redhead, Sephiroth only gave a furious scowl before stalking off, opting to leave punishment for Tseng for now, and get his own revenge when his hair was safe and clean.

As Tseng approached the bewildered Turk, Zack felt the guilt bite him for the second time that day.

"You little bastard" Tseng growled out and Reno snapped his head up in surprise. Surely he wasn't blaming this on him…

"Do you think this is funny?" The dark-haired Turk asked in the tone of voice than Reno knew better than to mess with.

"Um, no." he answered, slightly angered that he was taking the blame for this, as well as mildly upset someone would do such a thing to Sephiroth. Reno watched Tseng glare at him, and saw Zack bearing a sickly look before the SOLDIER excused himself quietly to go help Seph.

"Why would I?" he added in a serious manner.

Upon hearing Reno's tone, Tseng remembered something.

Thinking back, he recalled the ridiculous obsession that Reno and Zack shared for one another's bosses. Zack almost had a heart attack when he, himself, had helped him in the lunch room yesterday, and Reno could be caught staring at Sephiroth more often than not. It was a mystery that Tseng and Seph had talked about, but been unable to solve.

Tseng had tried asking Reno about it one time, but the only answer he had received was

"_He's just so goddamn __**cool**_"

Not a lot of help.

"You didn't have anything to do with it, did you?" The older man sighed as Reno shook his head solemnly.

"I swear on my life, Boss. I'd never fuck with that guy. 'Specially not his hair. I'm not a fuckin' loon, and I..respect him too much." Reno admitted oddly, before a look of annoyance crossed his features.

"Actually, I would like to know who _did_, so I could properly beat them hell out of them."

"You and me both." Tseng replied.

"Though I am surprised Zack hasn't already elected himself for the job."

'_Zack' _Reno thought._ 'Wait...'_

Just before the Lieutenant SOLDIER had slinked away, Reno recalled the expression on his face.

He'd been framed, and he knew who'd done it.

Now to make him confess.s


	9. Seperation Anxiety

Reno slammed open the door to the cafeteria, or slammed it as much as a swinging door can be slammed. He stood in the doorway, searching for the porcupine-haired idiot. Unfortunately he stood there too long and was hit in the face as the door swung close.

Pushing it open again, this time slower and with less anger, he walked into the cafeteria. A few people were looking curiously at him; he had just hit himself with the door after all. A glare from him was all it took for them to quickly look away and go on with their lunches.

Spotting the double-crossing asshole sitting at a table so innocently, Reno clenched his fists and stalked over to him. Zack saw him coming and felt a combination of guilt and dread hit him like a chocobo running at full speed.

"Hey there man, how's it going?" Zack asked, hitching a smile onto his face. Reno gave a tight smile and sat down opposite of him.

"Oh, I'm just fine. Except for the small fact that I was blamed for what happened to Seph yesterday," Reno said in a chilling voice. He was in complete 'scary Turk' mode. Most people who had the misfortune of bearing witness to this often peed their pants.

But Zack was made of stronger stuff. He wouldn't give anything away just because Reno was acting like that.

"Why? Tseng has to know that you would never do something like that to Seph," Zack said, trying to look surprised and upset for him.

"Oh, he realized that eventually, but Seph still thinks it was me. You wouldn't know why he would think that, would you?" Reno asked, leaning forward to rest his forearms on the table.

"What would make you think I would know why he thinks that?" Zack asked, looking to the side a little. Nope, he wouldn't give anything away.

"I just thought he would confide in you, as you are his second-in-command," Reno said, staring at Zack intently.

"Sorry, but he hasn't said why he thinks it was you," Zack lied, looking back at him and feeling slightly bad, but rationalizing that it was for the best. If he told the truth, Reno would definitely kill him.

"Really? Are you absolutely sure that you have no idea who woulda told him it was me?" Reno asked, leaning forward until his upper body was over the table.

"I'm sure. If I did I would tell you, wouldn't I?" Zack asked.

"Obviously you wouldn't. You see, I know you told Seph it was me. I saw your face before you left me and Tseng yesterday," Reno whispered. His eyes had narrowed into slits and he was giving Zack a look that would make even Seph nervous.

Zack stared in horror at Reno. He hadn't thought that Reno was paying attention to him. And even if he was, how would he know it was Zack who had passed the blame onto him?

It was times like these that Zack truly understood why Reno was a Turk. He was way too smart for his own good.

"Wh-what? I didn't…I would never tell Seph it was you," Zack stammered out. He looked around for a possible escape route.

"I can't believe you would do this to me! You claim to care about others, but obviously you don't!" Reno growled. Zack looked back at him in shock.

"What? Of course I care about you, you're my friend! I just…panicked, and your name just kind of came out," Zack explained.

"You care about me? If that was true you would've told Seph it was you!" Reno said trying to keep himself from yelling. He went to get up, but Zack grabbed his arm to stop him. "Let go of me."

"No, not until you listen to me," Zack said keeping a tight hold on Reno's arm

"Why would I want to listen to someone who takes drugs to keep up the pretense of being happy?" Reno sneered. The look of hurt on Zack's face made him smile even more. "Don't act so surprised. There's no way anyone could be that fucking cheerful, and if they are, they're taking drugs."

"I do not take medication to make myself happy," Zack ground out. "Just because you aren't ever happy doesn't mean the rest of us aren't"

"And what makes you think I'm never happy? I've never been more fuckin' happy since I stopped being your friend," Reno said, his voice rising.

"Please, when I met you, you were just some pathetic kid fresh from the slums," Zack said, his voice also rising.

"At least I don't hide behind a mask of happiness!" Reno yelled, jumping to his feet.

As everyone in the cafeteria abandoned their lunches to stare at the fight, Tseng and Seph stood from their table and looked at the arguing men.

"Don't say that!" Zack yelled back, jumping up too. "What would street trash now about it anyway?"

Reno looked like he had been slapped in the face. He was very sensitive about the fact that he came from the slums, and for Zack to bring it up twice was too much.

Tseng heard Zack and started to walk over to them. He didn't want Reno to do something stupid and attack the man. In a face-to-face fight, a Turk didn't have a chance against the mako enhanced SOLDIER.

"I am not street trash!" Reno yelled, his hands curling into fists.

"You coulda fooled me with the way you talk and act," Zack retorted.

"Ya think you're better than me? I may act immature, but at least I'm actually happy. I wouldn't doubt that you're sad and alone behind that smile of yours," Reno said in a stage whisper.

Seph, who had followed Tseng, couldn't believe what he was hearing. Why were they attacking each other like this? And why was Reno accusing Zack of being falsely happy?

"You're nothing but a slum rat. Why don't you go back to where you belong?" Zack asked.

Tseng froze when he heard Zack say that. _He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't sink that low, right? _Tseng thought.

Reno let out a growl and jumped across the table. He slammed into Zack and they both went crashing to the floor. Before he could properly show Zack just how mad he was, he was pulled up by the collar of his jacket.

He turned to see who would pull him away before he was done beating Zack to a pulp. Tseng was standing behind him, sill holding onto his jacket. Seph, meanwhile, was picking Zack up off the floor.

Tseng stepped in front of Reno and looked at Zack with disapproval written all over his face.

"You need to keep your employee under control," Tseng said to Seph in a clipped tone.

"I would say that you need to keep yours under control, seeing as how he attacked first," Seph replied in an equally cool tone.

"Reno," Tseng said as he gave Seph and Zack one more look and turned to go.

Reno jumped a little from the abruptness in his leader's voice. Glaring at Zack, he followed Tseng out of the cafeteria. Zack watched them leave and then turned to look at Seph.

"Thanks for…getting him off me," Zack said in a low voice, uncomfortably aware that everyone was still looking at them.

Seph remained silent, still staring at the spot where Tseng and Reno had disappeared. Suddenly he made a motioning movement towards the door and started to walk away. Zack, surprised by the sudden movement, hurried to catch up.

-------

Reeve walked into the lunchroom the next day to notice something different. He wasn't sure what it was just yet, but there was something. As he stepped from the lunch line it hit him.

The cafeteria was divided in two; the Turks on one side and the SOLDIERs on the other. Furious looks kept passing between the two groups. Reeve looked around for the department heads. It took a few seconds of searching, but he found them; at different tables.

In fact they were sitting as far away from each other as possible. He wondered what had happened to split the two groups, while they were never buddy-buddy, they were never openly hostile towards each other either.

-------

The civilians in the building were getting nervous. Every time a Turk passed a SOLDIER, there were glares and threats thrown back and forth. A couple of times an actual fight had broken out in the hallway.

The employees didn't know what had caused the sudden enmity between the two factions, but it was affecting everyone. The secretaries refused to walk down the halls alone now. And God help the poor soul that had to deliver a message to SOLDIER from the Turk's office, or vise versa.

If things had been bad working for ShinRa before, it was pure hell now.


	10. Mother Hens

**Disclaimer time**!: sadly, nothing has changed since the last 9 chapters, we still don't own a thing that we write about...Except Holt, but believe me, we're not bragging.

**A/N:**

So LittleLate and I noticed something awful last night. We have four weeks before she runs off to college somewhere far away. Meaning we have four weeks to finish this story… We have 8 more chapters to go and I don't know if we're gonna make it…But we will try! Even if it kills us, we will try!

That said….Happy reading.

**CHAPTER 10**

"I take it this is your handiwork?"

Vincent gestured to the divided lunchroom as he served Zack his meal, now knowing the young 1st Class well enough to need to ask what he wanted.

Zack sighed and nodded, feeling as disgusting as the blob he had just been served.

"'Afraid so, Vin. Hopefully this won't be a lasting thing…"

"Yes." The now disinterested lethal lunch lady replied turning to find his beloved can of peaches. It had been a little while since he had seen them. If one of those other buffoons had served his peaches for lunch, so help him…

Seeing the insane glint in the older man's eyes, Zack chose to excuse himself.

"Well, I'm gonna go find Seph now…I'll see ya later, Vincent."

The suspended Turk gave a near unnoticeable tip of the head as the SOLDIER left one psycho maniac for another.

As Zack walked along the SOLDIER side of the cafeteria smiling at those who waved to him as he passed, he wondered just how things had gotten this far out of hand. Not only had the two deadliest forces in Shinra been pitted against one another, but Reno and he had shattered a friendship, and it wasn't just their own he was referring to.

Looking ahead of him, he saw Sephiroth seated by himself in the far corner. It wasn't right. Seph wasn't supposed to be in the corner, and he certainly wasn't supposed to be alone.

He was supposed to be at the center end of the cafeteria sitting with Tseng as the two vented and spoke to one another as only they could.

But ever since his fight with Reno, Sephiroth and Tseng had taken to sitting as far apart as possible, which led to their respective subordinates following suite. Turks on the right by the door, and Soldiers on the left nearer to the food line, and directly in the middle of the cafeteria, looking far too pleased with the situation, was Hojo himself with his collection of assorted lab slave-err…assistants.

While Zack was overjoyed that he now sat with Sephiroth, this whole thing was driving him mad.

About the time that Zack took a seat with his General, Reno came in from the side door of the cafeteria. Lucky that the door was on the Turk-Side, he passed by his fellow co-workers, receiving many awed looks of respect. Ever since the two groups had drawn the metaphorical line, Reno and Zack had become even more infamous among their peers.

Reno sighed heavily as he collapsed gracelessly into the chair next to Tseng, pretending not to notice the malicious glare he was receiving from a _**very**_ malicious 'lunch lady.' Vincent had obviously been less than pleased to find the red-head and Tseng sitting together; after all, he wanted Tseng angry with Reno so he could get his job back, not acting all buddy-buddy with him.

It took Reno two days to notice this, however, before realizing that he probably didn't want to eat anything that Vincent was willing to serve him, even more so then usual. He could no longer get his lunch from the cafeteria, and let's face it. Reno didn't 'brown bag' anything unless it was 35-50 alcohol.

Tseng knew full well that Reno wasn't going anywhere near Valentine's lunch line and couldn't help but sympathize for his starving Second.

Reno was staring blankly at the table when he saw half a lunch tray enter his line of vision. Looking up, he saw Tseng glance back at him and pass him a fork, the silent offer to share his lunch.

Zack watched with jealous eyes as Reno gave his Tseng a warm smile as the two of them split the unsavory food. Why wouldn't _his_ boss do that!? Hmm…Maybe he _would_…

Glancing at Sephiroth, who seemed to be zoning out but probably wasn't, Zack reached over to pluck a carrot off of his plate when Seph's eyes snapped to him, displaying disbelief and pulling his tray nearer to him, almost seeming to cradle it.

It took a moment for the silver-haired man to push the confusion away before looking at black haired Lieutenant sardonically.

"Do you require _two _lunches now?"

His dry tone, added with his actions, offended Zack a little bit. Tseng shared _his_ food, why wouldn't Seph?

"But Tse-" he thought better of it. "-orry…"

_Before _the scene between his Second and the loud-mouthed Turk the other day, Sephiroth would have cared nothing about Zack's hurt tone over something so trivial.

Now though, he found himself unable to crush the almost guilty tingle that he had damaged the boy's feelings. Perhaps he should consider-

"What do you think you're doing, kid?"

Zack whipped his head around at the gruff question while Sephiroth calmly turned his head to regard Sgt. Holt.

Zack rolled his eyes, not in the mood to deal with this asshole. He was planning on impressing Sephiroth by ignoring him and showing him he could be the 'bigger man,' but that was before what Holt said next.

"You've got a lot of nerve, trash like you sitting with the General. Why do you think you deserve to be _near_ such a brilliant warrior after you shamed the entire SOLDIER program, being told off by a _Turk_? And especially if what that Turk said was true. Who know the great and lovable Zack Fair took happy pills."

Zack wanted to scream, to punch the older man. He wanted to hurt him, kill him, anything. He did **not **take pills to be who he was and it disgusted him to think that someone may have taken Reno's insults to heart.

Even though he said he wouldn't, Zack clenched his fists and was about to stand when a soft but commanding hand was laid on his shoulder.

"Calm down, Zackary." Zack was about to ask why Sephiroth would take Holt's side when he saw the look in his Commanding Officer's eyes, and did nothing to hide the smirk forming on his own face. Holt was about to get it.

Sephiroth, much to Zack's amazement, left his hand where it was as he stood swiftly from the table, remaining standing behind him, eyes boring into the now not-so-smug Sergeant in front of them.

"Sgt. Holt."

It was a cold, ruthless tone, and it was all it took for the man to realize that he was _not_ the one in the General's favor.

"Zackary Fair is the finest SOLDIER I have ever had the pleasure of working with. Never once has he shamed me or this department, and never once has he disappointed me."

Though Zack's heart was practically exploding, he did as he was told when Sephiroth motioned for him to stand.

"Further more, these delusional rumors of Zack taking depression medication are just that: rumors. If you ever speak to Lieutenant Fair in such a manner again, I will personally see to it that you are discharged from my army, as he is your superior officer, and above else, my friend."

As Holt looked as though he were going to faint, and Sephiroth began to move away from the table, Zack was positive that his heart had ruptured. Sephiroth had stood up for him…he had declared him as…his friend.

Zack couldn't remove the smile from his face as he followed his General away from the table, vaguely remembering that Tseng and Seph always used to leave lunch early, which would explain why no one else was leaving.

Sadly, both leaders were stubborn men who weren't going to alter their daily schedules simply because they no longer got along.

As Sephiroth and Zack neared the door, so did Tseng and Reno. Zack didn't appear to be the only one to notice as Reno sped up to hold the door open for Tseng, as well as Sephiroth, who gave him a withering glare for his efforts.

The smirk had just touched Zack's lips when the swinging door collided with his face, and he heard Reno stifle a cruel laugh and hurry to stand closely beside Tseng, avoiding the stare the Silver General was giving.

Backing up and touching his face, Zack turned to see the entire lunch room staring at him, the Turks with mirth and laughter and the SOLDIERS with pity and anger on his behalf. Hojo didn't have a chosen side to support, and just enjoyed pain for both sides, and as such could barely conceal his joy.

That was it. Reno had publically humiliated him for the last time. It was time to hit the obnoxious Turk where it hurt, even if it meant betraying his own feelings of idolism.

((((((CHANGE THIS TEXT TO A LINE BREAK)))))

"This is exactly why I need to you escort me to the General's office. That part of the building is bound to be swarming with SOLDIERS, and let's face it- I've always been regarded as being more…Turk-Oriented."

As the young Vice President was escorted down the hall by a stressed-out looking Tseng, Zack grinned and headed off in the opposite direction.

Tseng must not have been too thrilled about visiting Sephiroth, let alone the risk of Rufus traveling into 'SOLDIER territory.' Personally, Zack thought the whole inter-department rivalry was ridiculous, even though his next move would make things a hell of a lot worse.

Zack idly wondered, as he reached the empty Turk lounge, if the Turks ever did any work at all. The lounge and the offices connected to it was a ghost town…Zack always knew he had picked the wrong department to join!

Not wanting to push his luck as someone could return at any moment, Zack quickly crossed the room to reach Tseng's office. Pleased to find it unlocked, he opened the door and entered the room, instantly disturbed by how…CLEAN it was.

It wasn't _normal_ overly-clean, like Seph's office. It was _**freakishly**_ overly-clean. As Zack noticed that the paper clips on the desk were separated by size and the rubber bands by color and bandwidth, he knew Tseng must have _some sort_ of OCD.

"_Or __**every**__ kind."_ Zack quietly corrected himself upon seeing that the office contained six wall clocks, each which had been obviously meticulously synchronized down to the mili-second.

Shaking his head an opting to get out of this room of perpetual order, Zack rummaged through Tseng's desk drawers. Finally finding what he was looking for, he grinned and left the room, though not before noticing a box of latex gloves and mounted hand sanitizer dispenser above the trashcan.

Shaking his head, Zack closed the door behind him, only to spot the one and only Hojo watching. Not wanting to know what the 'good doctor' was doing here, nor wanting to wind up locked in a cell, Zack dashed from the room.

((((((SAME GOES FOR THIS ONE)))))

"WHERE IS IT?!" Snarls and crashing could be heard from the office of the second most deceptively calm man in Shinra.

Tseng had just returned from a particularly nerve-grating encounter with Sephiroth, and as such, required one thing to relieve himself of his ex-friend induced stress.

Where in the _**hell**_ was his stress-ball.

Reno entered the Turk lounge to see Elena, Rude, and that weird Rod guy all staring nervously at the Boss's door.

"What's goin' on?" he asked, deciding Elena was most likely to know, as she made it her business to know all that was Tseng-related. Sadly though, he was disappointed.

"I…I don't know! He just got back from taking Rufus to see the General, walked into his office, and...well..." she pointed to the door as another slam was heard from within, followed by another curse.

Reno's stomach sank as he could only think of one thing that could send Tseng over the edge.

"Boss-Man?" Reno asked cautiously as he cracked Tseng's door, closely followed by the other three Turks.

When he didn't receive an answer he opened the door to reveal Tseng standing in the middle of his office. The room looked like it had been torn apart and Tseng looked as though he were on the verge of a mental breakdown.

"Hey Boss…" Reno tried again, deciding to test if his theory was correct.

"You look like you could use Delilah. You know, give her a good, rough squeeze."

The older man's head snapped upwards, rage emitting from him in waves.

"You took her!"

Reno froze in terror before Tseng changed his mind, shaking his head and bringing a hand to his chin in deliberation.

"No, no…You're stupid, but you aren't that stupid."

Reno didn't know if he should be offended, terrified, or laughing his ass off that Tseng appeared to be thinking out loud, something the older man _never_ did.

"Yes…" he continued in thought. "…'Delilah,' as you call her, has been your ally for too long, you wouldn't betray her services now…"

The head Turk passed through his door, giving Elena and the other Turks a good once-over before shaking his head in dismay.

"No, you have too large of a crush on me and you two respect me…"

Elena turned bright red and hurried into her own office, Rude displaying no emotion and Rod hunching his shoulders.

Wondering why Tseng didn't realize that this _**had **_to be Zack's doings, Reno followed after the deranged Turk, who was now stopping at each person he saw, giving a brief analysis, and moving on.

"No, too stupid…No, too smart…No, too cowardly" Tseng rambled on, to the horror of the dozens of Shinra employees 'lucky' enough to cross paths with the man today.

As Reno and his emotionally unbalanced Commander rounded the corner they saw Professor Hojo trying to persuade a middle-aged janitor that something in the back of his lab required 'cleaning' (meaning he was running low on test subjects and getting bored and desperate).

Tseng stopped and gave the fearful janitor a long, hard look before frowning and shaking his head and continuing on his hunt.

Reno gave Hojo a strange side-glance and shrugged his shoulders, the janitor taking the distraction and running for it, only a little offended that before leaving, a mysterious black-haired Wutian man in a blue suit had frowned and him and muttered "No, too civilian."

Sprinting the short distance to catch up with his boss, Reno wondered if it was actually safe to be this close to him, what with the whole 'eyes clouded over with madness' thing the other man had going on.

It was then that the red-headed Turk realized that Tseng had appeared to strongly consider the janitor (he had scrutinized that man more than anyone before him), but he hadn't given _Hojo_ a second look.

"Hey Tseng, what about Hojo?"

Tseng didn't cease his search as he replied.

"That soulless idiot doesn't know anything…"

Neither of them seemed to be aware that aforementioned 'Soulless Idiot' was currently trailing them, interested in what could make the normally stoic Turk so...well...loony. Who knew, perhaps he could discover the source and use it to his advantage…a new play-toy would be a fun thing, especially if that toy was the lead Turk.

(((((SAME HERE, TOO)))))

"I just don't get it, Laney…Why doesn't he know that Zack took Delilah?" Reno asked out loud for the hundredth time, each time annoyed that Elena wasn't answering him.

Finally looking up to snap at her, he noticed that the blonde woman looked rather distraught.

Not wanting to deal with another insane Turk, and knowing that he was _not_ good with upset women, yet not being, in good conscience, able to ignore her, Reno swallowed, regretting it already.

"You okay, kid?"

Elena looked at him very closely for a moment, before her eyes brimmed with tears, making Reno kick what ever fragment of conscience he'd had left.

"WHO IS DELILAH?! And why does he want _**HER**_ so badly?! Can't he see that _**I **_care about him? I would never run off and leave him for Lieutenant Fair like that…that hussy-tramp!"

As she bit her lip to get herself under control, Reno didn't know whether to laugh or to cry, deciding to go home tonight and try _both_. Right after he planned his revenge on that no good, Delilah stealing, double crossing son of a bitch.

No one made a move against _his_ boss and got away with it...No, that was his job.

**A/N:**

Ah. Another chapter out of the way.

Like I said earlier, we have 8 more chapters to go, making our total goal for this story 18 chapters. Well, 17 chapters and an epilogue, but who's counting? I hope you enjoyed this, and hope you will continue to read, as it is now the ever-fabulous TooLittleTooLate's turn! Yaaaay!

I, myself, am excited to read what happens next as well. We don't get to find out what happens in the other's chapter until the same time you guys do (even though I am staying with her all summer and we stay up all night planning these chapters out!) :(

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH, EVERYBODY!


	11. What's a Picture Worth?

Disclaimer: Still own nothing...not even a scrap of paper with their names on it.

A/N: After much procrastinating and verbal abuse from corncob, I finally wrote my chapter. Why she's so anxious for this to be posted, I don't know...seeing as how it's now her turn. Now I get to do the abusing...yay! Oh, and enjoy this extremely short chapter!

* * *

"There _has_ to be something in here!" Reno growled in frustration. He chanced a look at his watch; he had been searching for ten minutes. He had to get out of there soon, for his own safety.

Pulling open yet another filing cabinet he saw it; a file folder with _Sephiroth_ written in small block letters on it. Reno flipped through it quickly and smirked at the content. This was even better than he had thought it would be. He looked around and decided that everything looked more or less in the right spot.

He walked over to the door and opened it, looking up and down the hall. He stepped out of the lab quickly and headed in the direction of the elevators. Turning the corner he froze. Hojo.

_Crap, crap, crapcrapcrapcrapcrap! Of all the damn luck!_ Reno put on his best 'who me?' face as he passed by. Hojo stared at him until he had rounded the next corner.

He looked from the spot that the red-head had disappeared to the door he had come from and back again. Suddenly he took off at a sprint down the hall. If that idiot _touched_ anything…well, Hojo wouldn't have a shortage of play things.

He ran into his beloved lab and skidded to a halt, breathing hard. Everything looked like it was in its appropriate spot. But you could never be too sure about these kinds of things. Hojo went to one of the cabinets and pulled out his cleaning supplies. As he started the long process of sterilizing his lab, he thought of ways to cause the most pain to his latest specimen.

-------

Zack walked into the elevator, eager to get away from the glaring group of Turks in the lobby. He reached out to push the button for floor 66, but he stopped short. He leaned closer to see what had been drawn next to the numbers.

Another 6, making it floor 666. Great, this was just great. Hardly five minutes into the work day and already things were looking down. He mashed in the button and tried to rub the offending number off before he reached his destination.

By time the elevator stopped he had managed to smear the third six enough that it was hardly recognizable. Satisfied with his work, he stepped out of the lift and started down the hall to his office.

Halfway there he stopped. There was something taped above the water fountain. He stepped up to it and let out a cry. It was a picture of Seph…only not.

It was a little Seph. A little Seph hooked up to about five different machines. He looked so small and defenseless. Who would do this kind of thing? Before he could give it much thought his mind leapt to another question. Had Seph seen it?

Zack ran all the way to Seph's office and didn't even bother to wave at the secretary.

"Sir, you can't go in there!" she yelled after him. He ignored her and pushed open the door. He stopped short when he saw the blank look on Seph's face. He was holding something in front of him.

"Seph, you okay man?" Zack asked. The general acted like he hadn't heard anything and kept staring at the paper. Zack slowly walked up to the desk and circled behind Seph's chair.

Seph was holding a picture identical to the one he had found. Zack waved a hand in front of the man's face and jumped back, expecting Seph to react violently. When nothing happened he tried tapping him on the shoulder. Silence.

Zack had seen Seph not talk for hours at a time, but there had always been a sign of life to the man. Now there was nothing. In fact, you could hardly tell he was breathing unless you looked very, very, **very** closely.

Zack decided that if something was going to be done, he was the one that had to do it. Seph didn't look like he could stand up to a napkin. Giving him one more look of sympathy, he ran from the office. He was going to find every last one of those pictures

and tear them apart.

Then he was going to tear Reno apart for doing this.

-------

Reno laughed as he walked into the elevator. Business was a little slow in the office today, so he kept taking side trips to check on the picture he had taped up in the elevator. When the doors opened, he quickly shut his mouth.

There were four other employees in there and he didn't want more people to think he was unhinged than already thought that. He worked his way into the back corner and smiled when he heard their topic of discussion.

"Can you believe Seph was such a cute kid?" a woman with a tight bun asked.

"I can barely believe Seph was ever a kid," the other woman, wearing a disgusting pink suit, said.

"Why do you think he was attached to those machines?" a tall, burly man asked.

"I always heard rumors that he wasn't a person and actually a science project of Hojo's," the fourth person remarked. He was one to talk, he looked like Frankenstein.

"Really? Well that would explain his strength," the burly man said thoughtfully.

"And his hair. I mean, what normal person has hair like that?" the woman with the bun quipped.

_Jealous much?_ Reno thought. As he continued to smirk, the conversation took a turn for the worse.

"Always knew there was something wrong with him," 'Frankenstein' said.

"Now we know why he's so screwed up," the lady in pink commented. Reno couldn't believe they were saying this about Seph. Whatever he was expecting the reaction to the pictures to be, it wasn't this.

"He looks so sad in the picture," the words floated back to Reno as the four people got out.

Reno slumped against the wall and rubbed a hand over his face. He was such an _ass_! How could he be so stupid? Why would he think this was a good idea? Sure, he was pissed at Zack for what he had done to Tseng, but that was no reason to take it out on Seph. And especially not like this.

He slid down the wall and sat there with his legs stretched out in front of him. The doors opened again and Reeve walked in. He glanced down at the Turk but said nothing. Before the doors could close, Reno saw a distressed Zack running down the hall grabbing pictures off the wall. He already had a very impressive stack.

"I'm assuming this is your work?" Reeve asked without looking him.

"Why would you say that?" Reno asked sharply.

"No reason. It just seems like something someone would do for revenge," this time Reeve did look at Reno. He gave the younger man a look of loathing.

The rest of the trip was made in silence and Reno heaved a sigh of relief when Reeve stepped out on his floor.

Deciding it was close enough to quitting time, Reno pressed the button for the lobby. As he walked from the elevator, he turned around and snatched the picture from the wall.

Gaia, he needed a drink.

* * *

A/N: Yup, there it is. Not the greatest, but you get what I give ya, and you better like it. Any-o-ways...review please! And we really really really don't want another 'poor Reno' comment. He's a jerk in this chapter...and PLEASE give us some real feedback! It's how we live! 


	12. Because the Candyman Can

**Disclaimer:**

Don't own FFVII or the Holiday Inn. If there IS an "Ambling Walrus" bar out there, we don't own it either. We make no money off of this, because that would just be too wonderful. Oh! and don't own the whole Charlie and the Chocolate factory title name thing, hahaha.

**A/N:**

So incase you haven't noticed, I (Corncob), have problems writing short chapters…Mine are always stupidly long. LittleLate complains that because mine are monsters, it makes hers look shorter…especially this next one. So excuse the awful length of this one, as well as the awful shortness of her next one. We have all the chapters planned out/outlined, and that's just how it is.

Please enjoy!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay! Everyone know their grounds?"

Zack looked over his team of assorted misfits: all "specially selected" to help remove any and all remaining photographs from the Shinra building(s).

Before him stood a confused blond cadet, a deranged Turk, and a particularly pissed looking scientist.

The blond raised his hand, grumbling when Hojo rolled his eyes. Apparently asking questions was unacceptable to a genius .

"Yes! Special Agent Cloud?" Zack answered quickly, pointing to his friend.

"Yea, um…Why is _he_ here?" the Cloud asked, gesturing towards Hojo who gave an indignant humph.

Zack was about to answer the lad when the scientist stepped in to explain himself.

"Those are my pictures. I do intend to have each one returned to my desk as soon as possible."

Vincent snorted.

"Because he's a sick fuck."

Zack tried not to laugh at Vincent's comment, or glare at Hojo (he _was_ helping, after all), but it was hard since the man was the REASON those pictures existed in the first place.

"Right." The SOLDIER nodded.

"Any more que-"

The peach-loving Turk and the soulless professor had both already walked off in their separate directions, leaving Cloud looking at a now crest-fallen Zack.

Cloud smirked at the older man and patted him on the shoulder.

"No more questions, Sir."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey Ronald!" a young-faced, brunet Turk-in-training exclaimed as he nudged his partner in the ribs.

"Yea?"

"Look!" the first boy pointed down the hall a ways to where a black haired, red eyed man was making his way with a satchel overflowing with the pictures.

"That's the guy who's always talking to that SOLDIER. I heard he was with him this morning, and he's helping him get all those pictures of the General…I hear he's _a Turk._"

Ronald looked thoughtful.

"He isn't dressed like a Turk."

"Yea…He must be that one guy! The one that Tseng gave lunch detail, I don't know, I wasn't really listening. I think his name is Valentine."

It was quite clear that Vincent's legendary reputation _hadn't_ proceeded him in this case. And ignorance wasn't always bliss.

Unaware of the man's infamous temper and penchant for insanity, Ronald only smirked as Vincent came closer.

"Well then, let's teach this 'Turk' a lesson in loyalty."

Both boys folded their arms and stood side by side, effectively blocking the hallway as Vincent reached them, glare and scowl already gracing his face. He didn't have the time nor the desire to deal with inexperienced Turk-wannabes.

"Hey, _Lunch Lady_." The brunet jibed, Ronald picking up immediately after.

"Yea, Valen_tator_. Haven't you been paying attention? Turk's don't talk to SOLDIERs. Especially not the one _you've _been talking to."

The lethal and remotely unblanaced Turk began to count to ten in his head, trying to deny how beautiful a double homicide would make his day.

"Yea, what are you? Some kind of traitor? You're just as low as that Lieutenant for talking to him!"

"You call yourself a Turk? You're a--"

Silence followed the sharp, ringing sound of the gunshot. Of course, said silence did not last long as shock gave way to agony and the screaming began. The brunet boy took off, leaving his friend to his own devices, though devices were rather hard to come by when one has just had a bullet shatter their left kneecap. By the time the paramedics reached Ronald, Vincent was well on his way, wearing a satisfied grin as he removed another photograph from the womens' restroom.

------------------------------------------------

Zack rounded the corner with a spring in his step, trying to reach one of the many conference rooms in the building. His 'team' had planned to report back at 4'o'clock and it was now 3:58.

He got to the room exactly on time, only to be met by a sticky note on the door.

_**Zack- **_

_**I got all the pictures in my area. I had to go to that class early so I put my stuff inside. Plus, I saw Vincent's note, and no way I'm waiting in there with him alone. See you later. **_

_** -Cloud **_

Removing the paper from the door, Zack saw another one underneath it.

_**Finished early.** **Got tired of waiting. The stuff is inside. Don't ever ask for my help again.**_

Though it was unsigned, the dark-haired man had a pretty good idea who it was from, even without reading Cloud's note. Sighing and opening the door, Zack was greeted by a giddy looking Hojo, who was holding three copies of the same picture. It was more than a little disturbing.

"He always was the perfect specimen…" the scientist muttered wistfully.

Zack rolled his eyes and began gathering the other two mens' bags with his own on the table top, Hojo still had his protectively at his feet, now giving him a hard look.

"You know who is responsible for this, do you not?"

Zack seemed surprised. He had expected Hojo to demand his photos back and slither off to the lab. The scientist obviously intended to do the talking right now and kept going before Zack could answer.

"Not even you are that oblivious, Lieutenant. I would have stopped that scoundrel myself if I hadn't had to attend to what ever damages he may have caused...he's lucky he didn't break anything, or I…"

Hojo continued to ramble about what horrors he would bestow upon Reno as Zack tried to inconspicuously back towards the door with his bags, not wanting to spend another second with the mad man alone. This was how people disappeared.

"If I ever see him anywhere near my laboratories again…" his face twisted in a sinister grin.

"Someone will have to file a missing persons report."

Zack was half way down the hall running for his life before he froze, Hojo's words ringing in his ears.

_'Missing person's report…'_

"Yea…" he thought outloud.

"I could kidnap Reno for a while…Scare him, let him go after a few days…"

At the strange, if not mortified, look he received from a random secretary, Zack decided to keep all of this musings _internal_ until he reached his General's office. He had pictures to return.

**------------------------((humanity?))---------------------------**

"Hey, Seph! I've got good news!" Zack chirped happily, delighted at the prospect of Sephiroth being pleased with him. His happy face dropped, however, when he saw his friend.

Sephiroth looked worse than he had this morning. Zack had never seen the man depressed before, and had little idea how to handle it. Forget the napkin, at this point, a _dust_ _bunny_ could have gained the upper hand.

"Seph?"

Sephiroth looked up from the desk where he had been staring at his picture to his Second with the saddest eyes the younger man had ever seen. The pain in those other-worldly eyes made Zack's heart stop beating. What he wouldn't do to make Seph feel better, only Gaia knew.

_'I'm going to get Reno for this. Let's see how he likes it when something awful happens to **his** boss_.' Zack thought furiously.

_'But in the meantime…'_

Zack stepped around the desk and removed the photograph from his Superior's hands. He decided to try something he hadn't dared before, for fear of bodily harm. He leaned down and enveloped the man in a warm hug. Ordinarily the silver-haired man wouldn't tolerate such an action, but…he just felt too shitty right now.

"What do ya say, man? I've got the Fire material and you've got the clearance to use it wherever the hell you'd like."

A moment passed before Sephiroth stood and pulled from Zack's embrace with a small smirk on his lips.

"Get the bags, Zackary."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Tseng walked into his office the first thing he noticed was a large, black video tape. Frowning, he picked it up to inspect it, rage flaring through his body when the label read "_Delilah._"

"Zack." Tseng hissed.

Zack would obviously know about Delilah through Reno, he had just hoped that the SOLDIER wouldn't sink so low. Obviously that hope had been horribly misplaced.

Quickly locating his rather outdated VCR and hooking it up, Tseng popped the video in.

The blank screen changed to display an orange ball. It had a piece of electrical tape slapped across it, as if to 'blindfold' it.

"You're going to die, Fair." Tseng was imagining all the ways to kill a certain someone when a fake, high-pitched, and obviously Zack's voice came through the TV.

"Help me, Mr. Tseng! It hurts! It hurts!"

Tseng's right eye twitched at 'Delilahs' pathetic pleas.

"Shuddup!" a much deeper ( but also clearly Zack) voice broke out and a gloved hand came into view to flick the ball.

"Oh! Ow! No! Please, don't hurt me anymore, mysterious kidnapper!" 'Delilah' continued to shriek.

The absurdity of it all made Tseng want to take a dive on the 72nd floor, but his love for Delilah kept him watching.

"Now listen to me." The deep voice echoed.

"If you ever want to see your beloved one again, you will meet me…um…" The voice paused, losing some of it's demanding power.

"Meet me at…the Ambling Walrus at 7pm tonight. That is all."

'Delilah' screamed some more before the screen went black, only to return a few moments later.

"And come alone...Oh, and unarmed."

Finally the screen cut for good and Tseng glanced at one of his many clocks. It was 6 now, and if Tseng had any chance of locating what ever the hell 'The Ambling Walrus' was by 7, he needed to leave now.

He jumped from his chair, knocking it over, and sprinted from the office with a purpose in his heart, not noticing Elena who had been eavesdropping moments before.

As Tseng exited the Turk Lounge entirely, the blonde woman sniffed and sat down.

"Why? Why is she so important that he would obey some cheap video to get her back? It's not fair…" Se then glared over at her computer before smiling psychotically.

"All right Delilah. Let's find out who you are…"

-----------------------------------------------------------

It was 7:09 when Tseng strode in to the Ambling Walrus.

The people of Midgar had been reluctant to help him at first, but a gun usually got people talking. Tseng smirked as he recalled the kidnapper's 'specific' instructions.

"_Come inarmed_."

Fuck unarmed; Tseng never went _anywhere_ unarmed.

Passing the grubby looking patrons, the Turk made his way to the bar, where he was instantly recognized by his uniform.

"You here for Delilah?" the salty looking bartender questioned as he set down a glass he'd been polishing.

Tseng nodded, trying to ignore the fact that the rag he was 'cleaning' with was dirtier than the glass itself. This was exactly why he didn't 'do' public eateries, and sure as hell didn't use the silverware in the Shinra Cafeteria.

The bartender pointed his thumb towards a back room.

"Don't be causin' no trouble" he warned before walking off to fill another drink order.

Tseng tried to withhold the cringe at how his shoes stuck to the floor with each step as he made his way to the backroom.

He felt no need to be too worried. This was Zack he was dealing with. Zack wouldn't hurt anybody unless Sephiroth gave the call. Besides, the kid worshipped the ground he walked on for some reason.

"Ah, you've come, excellent." A 'mysterious figure' spoke as he entered the room.

The man had his back to the door, obviously hoping to keep his identity a secret. Unfortunately, not even the Midgar Monsters (the city's only baseball team) ball cap he was wearing could disguise _that_ hair.

Tseng decided to let Zack think what he wanted. He would play along of it got Delilah back that much faster.

"I hope you aren't too nervous: doing business with a total stranger, you know."

It was the same fake voice from the video. Tseng shut his eyes tightly and shook his head, forcing himself to go along with it. It was just so painful…

"Well, we Turks are trained for such matters, Mister…"

Faced away, Zack's closed his eyes in mirth, not fully believing that Tseng was buying this, but finding it terribly hilarious, regardless.

Now to think of some ridiculous name for Tseng to repeat.

"Candyman" came Zack's forced reply.

Tseng rolled his eyes.

"Of course. Do you have what I require, Mr. Candyman?"

The fact that Tseng was treating the situation in a completely serious, professional manner made Zack want to fall out of his chair laughing, but instead he gave a light cough as he reached into his pocket.

"Yes, Mr. Turk. I have what you require. Did you bring what I asked for?"

Tseng blanched. He couldn't recall any instructions to bring 'payment.' Glowering, he decided to end this. He was fed up with this entire, idiotic charade.

"Zackary Fair."

The man froze at the unbelievably stern statement of his name. He considered denying recognition, but…well, he saw how well that worked for 'Violet.' Besides, it was quicker this way.

Turning to face the irate Turk, Zack removed Delilah from his pocket, all the while praying that the man would eventually forgive his next move.

"All right. You got me." He said in a defeated manner, hands in the air as he walked to Tseng.

As he reached to accept his precious stress-ball, Tseng had no time to deflect the switft blow delivered to the side of his head, rendering him instantly unconscious.

Zack grimaced as Tseng slumped over, and easily caught the lighter man.

Forcing the guilt away, he smiled. He had a perfectly safe place to tie-up and stow the man until the time came.

To the Holiday Inn.

----

_"This is Tseng. If this is Rufus- Press 2. Anyone else- Leave a message and I'll get back to you."_

Reno slammed the phone shut as he growled his frustration.

"Tseng **_always_** answers his cell phone! The bastard goes, like, _nowhere_ without it!"

He paced back and fourth before Elena and Rude as he began tugging on his hair. Tseng wasn't answering his phone. This added to the state they found his office in could only mean something bad. That office was always in painfully spotless condition; perfect order. Today Reno walked in to find his bosses chair tipped over, a drawer open, and the door left ajar. That. Didn't. Happen. Not with Tseng.

"Tseng-sama _does_ always answer his phone…" Elena replied in an affirmative manner, eyes lowering to the floor.

Saying Tseng kept his phone on him was an vast understatement. He was wwell known to walk around with the phone to his ear, pretending someone was on the other end just to avoid talking to anyone in the room. Reno called it creepy and anti-social. Tseng called it necessary.

"I hope this doesn't have anything to do with…"

Elena silenced herself as Reno lunged at her, seizing her by the shoulders.

"What? Anything to do with **what**" Reno gripped her harder, apparently believing that the harder he shook- the faster she's answer.

It wasn't until Rude got a grip on his shoulders that he let the poor girl go.

"Sorry…" he muttered as he exhaled heavily and settled himself down.

"Sorry Laney, continue."

"Well…I heard him in his office today. He put in the movie that had been delivered by a little blond boy. On the video there was a man talking; It sounded like the Lieutenant with a bad head cold... He--"

Reno's raised palm signified silence and she halted.

_So Zack took him._

He was going to pay for this. Oh yes. Reno already had a plan, and he would carry it out even if it killed him. And that was looking like a large possibility.

----------------------------------------

**A/N:**

Oooooh. Tseng's been Turk-Napped! What happens next? Well, I guess you're at LittleLate's mercy on that one, and who knows how long that will take. I can push for her to write, but...What can I say. She's stronger than me.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! Please review!

(Which reminds me, I just want to say a quick thank you to all the reviewers, specifically of the past 2 chapters. They made us all warm inside!)


	13. Target Practice

Disclaimer: We own nothing...except the name of the weapon. But it really isn't all that great, so I wouldn't really be jealous if I were you

A/N: Finally, right? Well, since it took so long, at least you're getting a fairly long chapter. Well, it's long for me, so deal with it. And I am bigger than corncob, so she's not match for me and therefore can't force me to do anything, which is why this took so long...well, ENJOY!!

* * *

"They really need to make these damn vents bigger," Reno grumbled. "How's a guy supposed to carry a weapon if there isn't enough room?"

Reno growled as the Beho-snooze that he was dragging behind him got caught on a corner, again. Why couldn't Scarlet invent a weapon that wasn't enormous? Was a simple, portable, compact weapon too much to ask for? He'd have to ask her that when he returned the 'borrowed' item to her.

He had to admit it was impressive what the woman thought up. While pillaging her office, he had come across numerous toys that he couldn't wait to try out. The only thing that had stopped him from trying them out then and there was the thought of Tseng tied up somewhere, being tortured by Zack. He had stood there for a few minutes, trying to decide which device would best suit his need. Figuring that bigger was better, he had gone for the biggest tranquilizer looking thing he could find and carry.

He hadn't been able to contain the snicker when he read the name for it. Beho-snooze. Scarlet may be a genius when it came to weapons, but she seriously needed help when it came to naming things.

Reno crawled through the vents, only getting lost once. And he had ended up over a ladies bathroom, so it wasn't all that bad. Eventually he found himself over the offices of SOLDIER. Looking down through the grate, he saw Holt talking to someone. Reno stopped, wondering why the man sounded so…seductive. No way he had a woman in there; he wasn't that kind of guy.

Reno looked closer and saw that Holt was facing the closed door. He inched around a little to get a better look.

_No way. No fuckin' way! What the hell's wrong with this guy? I've gotta tell Zack…_At the thought of his ex-best friend, Reno's bright green eyes darkened. He couldn't think about his lost friendship now, not when the jerk had kidnapped his boss.

Reno gave one last look to Holt, who was still whispering sweet-nothings to the pin-up of Sephiroth, and moved on. Passing over a few more grates, Reno came to the conclusion that the people in SOLDIER were as boring as they came.

They were all sitting at their desks doing paperwork. Shaking his head in disgust, he decided that he had definitely chosen wisely when he went into the Turks. Finally reaching his destination, he pulled the Beho-snooze closer to him and got into position.

He looked down and saw Seph sitting behind his desk talking to…Zack.

_Well, that's just great. I'm so not going to take out the general while Fair is in there. Hopefully he won't stay long…_

-------

(FIVE HOURS LATER)

Reno let out a groan as he stretched out his arms. They had fallen asleep, again. He didn't know how much longer he could wait. Didn't Zack have some important SOLDIER business to attend to? Like killing some people or raiding a small village?

"So, what color gel pens should I get next?" Zack's voice floated up through the grate. Reno snapped his head up in disbelief.

"I don't know. What colors have you used so far?" Seph's voice asked. Reno scrunched his face up in confusion, _was Seph actually answering him?!_

"Well, I've used midnight blue, lizard green, magical purple, and I just finished rubber ducky yellow," Zack answered in a thoughtful voice.

"I think a nice red should be next," Seph replied.

"Hey, they did just come out with a new color called 'firecracker red!' It's supposed to change colors between red and orange," Zack said, excitement evident in his voice.

Reno couldn't believe what he was hearing. The greatest and most powerful man in the world was talking about **gel pens** with complete seriousness. Reno gripped his head with both hands and slammed his forehead into the side of the vent. As the ringing stopped, he looked back into the office and saw Zack and Seph looking up at the ceiling.

"Did you hear that?" Seph asked.

"Probably just another one of Hojo's experi…umm. Probably just a rat," Zack finished quickly, trying to cover the fact he had just said the words 'Hojo's experiments.'

Seph gave a noncommittal shrug and went back to his paperwork. Zack kept staring up at the ceiling, his eyes moving towards the grate. Reno ducked his head out of sight, but he thought Zack might've seen his hair.

"Mr. Fair, you're needed in the training room. Something about a cadet getting stuck in the rowing machine," Seph's secretary's voice came over the intercom. Zack shook his head and stood up.

"It was probably Cloud. That kid's always getting tied up in something or other…We on for tonight? Me, you, Bruce Willis and two hours of things blowing up!" Zack nearly shouted, punching the air with his fist.

Seph didn't make any reply that Reno could hear, so he had to assume he had made a gesture in the positive because Zack left without complaint. Reno instantly jerked up. After hours of waiting, he was about to get his chance. He pulled the Beho-snooze up and positioned it so he had a clear shot of the silver-haired man.

As Seph sat back in his chair, Reno aimed for between the eyes. His finger twitched on the trigger and had actually pulled it halfway when he let out a small yelp and swung the tranquilizer up. The force of the movement sent him falling backwards. He hit the vent with a dull thud and the air in his lungs whooshed out of him.

As he lay there panting, he berated himself for almost killing Seph. It had been so easy though, a thoughtless motion, aiming for the head. It was part of his training, ingrained into him to aim to kill. He shook his head to clear it of the thought of him killing the general and sat back up.

He looked back into the office and was glad to see Seph hadn't moved. Reno studied him carefully, trying to decide on the best place to shoot him. The neck was always an option, but it would be all to easy to hit an artery. The arm? Or maybe a leg.

As Reno thought, Seph stood up and began to walk around his desk towards the door. Reno panicked, and realized that if Seph left his office, it could be hours before he returned. He was NOT spending any longer in the vents. As Seph cleared the side of the desk, Reno saw his shot and took it.

Seph flinched a little as the dart hit him in the butt, but he kept walking.

_What the hell? What's this guy made of? This is supposed to take down Behemoth! Maybe I should hit him again…_

Reno aimed again and was about to pull the trigger when Seph stumbled a little. Reno eased up a little on the pressure he had on it and watched, his eyes narrowed into slits. After a few more steps, Seph dropped to the ground and didn't move. In fact, it didn't look like he was breathing. Reno kicked open the grate and jumped down into the office.

"Shit! I killed the general of ShinRa's army! For the love of Gaia!" Reno hoarsely whispered. He ran to Seph's side and slammed to his knees. Quickly checking for a pulse, he sighed with relief when he found one. He rubbed a hand over his face and silently cursed whatever had started this whole thing.

------

"_**So," Zack started, trying to change the subject, "how did your prank on Elena go?"**_

"_**It went great! I totally had her convinced that Tseng was going to ask her out," Reno said, smiling like a little kid who had eaten the last cupcake. "She was running around trying to fix her hair and put on makeup. When Tseng called her into his office I thought she was going to explode." Reno smirked at the memory.**_

"_**How mad was she? Did she smack you or threaten you bodily harm this time?" Zack asked, digging into his peas.**_

"_**Eh, she was a little on the annoyed side. I had to hide in the air vents for an hour," Reno shrugged. Looking around he saw Hojo staring at him and Zack. "I hate that guy. Why doesn't the president let one of the Turks kill him?"**_

_**Zack followed Reno 's gaze and immediately turned back around. It made him nervous when Hojo looked at him with, what appeared to be, lust in his eyes.**_

"_**Well…he does help make SOLDIER stronger. I mean, look how powerful Seph is," Zack said, looking at the silver haired general. Naturally his eyes moved to Tseng, who was gesturing wildly. It looked like he was reenacting a ' Reno moment.'**_

"_**Seph's crazy though." At Zack's look Reno quickly amended what he had said. "I meant…sure he's really strong and all, but he does have a temper on him."**_

"_**And Tseng doesn't? And that's without the mako in him. Turks must be too soft to handle it." Zack might've worshiped the ground Tseng walked on, but he would always defend Seph first.**_

"_**What? We're too soft? Or maybe SOLDIER can't be useful without it." Reno said, his short temper finally flaring up. No one insulted his job and live to talk about it, most ended up with a bullet hole in their head or being beaten to death with his EMR.**_

"_**Oh please. ShinRa would fall without its army. Turks aren't really needed; they're just a good threat." Zack looked a little surprised by what he had just said, but didn't retract his little dig.**_

_**People sitting near by began abandoning their own conversations to listen to the fight. Some had even scooted away a little.**_

"_**At least my boss doesn't look like a chick!" Reno yelled, not being able to take any more abuse.**_

-------

Reno winced at the thought of the infamous fight that had torn him and Zack apart. Well, he had come this far, why not finish the job? He stood up and linked his arms under Seph's ankles and proceeded to drag the man to the window.

Opening the window, Reno leaned halfway out and grabbed a long, thick, black cord that was hanging from a window directly above. He pulled it in and set to work tying it around Seph so that it resembled a harness. After he triple checked all of his knots he walked back over to the office door and pressed his ear against it.

Once he was sure that no one was coming he locked the door and shoved a chair against it. He strode back over to the window and grabbed the second piece of cord that was still hanging outside the window. Looking back and down at the unconscious man lying on the floor, Reno felt a small pang of regret.

But this was war. Zack had told him to bring it, well, he was bringing it. He turned his attention back to the task at hand and began pulling on his rope. Slowly the one around Seph tightened and eventually started to lift him up.

After a few minutes of pulling, Reno had gotten Seph above the window ledge and, keeping a tight hold on his cord, pushed him out the window. Now he had to work fast. Who knew how long it took for someone to notice a seven-foot tall man being hoisted up on the 66th floor. Besides, Reno really didn't know how long the makeshift harness would last.

-------

Reno chanced a glance at his watch. Half and hour had passed since he had started the slow, tiring process of lifting the general up one floor. Who would've thought the man was so heavy? Looking out the window and up, he could see Seph was now even with the window on the 67th floor. Deciding that it was better safe than sorry, he raised him up a few more feet, just to make sure he had cleared that window's ledge.

Still holding onto the rope, Reno looked around trying to find something sturdy enough to tie it onto. Figuring the door was about the only unmovable object in the office he walked over to it, keeping the cord taught. He wrapped it around the handles more times than he could count. Stepping back to admire his handy-work, he had to admit he was good. Not only would this keep Seph suspended in mid-air, it would also add extra protection against anyone who wanted to get into the office before he was done.

He hurried back to the window and began to shimmy up the rope, thanking whatever god that was listening for giving him monkey-like climbing abilities. In just a matter of seconds he had reached the window and was happy to see that no one had closed it. Of course, he hadn't really thought anyone would, seeing as how it was Tseng's office. No one was allowed in there, and even with the Turk leader missing, no one would dare enter in fear of leaving something out of place.

Climbing into the window he reached back to grab a hold of Seph. Reno pulled him into the room with himself and gently lowered him onto the floor. Checking to make sure Seph was still out of it, and would be for awhile, Reno slid back down the rope to clean up Seph's office.

He unlocked the door, moved the chair away, and untied the rope. As he walked back to the window, he looked around to make sure everything was as it should be. Just as he was about to exit via the window, he remembered the note he was supposed to leave. Pulling the thoroughly wrinkled piece of paper out of his pocket, he placed it on the desk. Satisfied with his work, he jumped out the window and grabbed onto the rope.

"Probably not my best move," Reno said as he felt the rope burn his hands as he slid down a few feet. "This is gonna hurt like a bitch tomorrow. But it'll be worth it"

Climbing back up to Tseng's office, he looked in to see Seph beginning to stir. He quickly clambered into the office and pulled the rope in behind him. Seph was already starting to wake up. Panicking, Reno did the only thing he could think of. He kicked Seph in the head, causing the silver-haired man to slump back over.

"Oops, probably didn't need to do that. Especially since I know Tseng has some heavy-duty sedatives in here for when I get on his nerves…" Reno mused as he stared at the unconscious man before him. "Oh well. What doesn't hurt him will make him…stronger? That can't be good either…"

Choosing to push that thought out of his mind, he bent down and hooked his arms under Seph's armpits and dragged him into a corner. Walking back over to Tseng's desk he grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills and, noticing it was less than half full, crushed the remaining ones into a fine powder.

Ambling back over to Seph, he tipped the powder into Seph's mouth. He figured that should be enough to keep him out of it for at least a few more hours. That was more than enough time to do what he had planned.

Suddenly he heard a cry from the floor below him, it sounded a lot like Zack. Smiling to himself, Reno left the office and locked the door behind him. It was time to find Zack and put an end to this.

* * *

A/N: Hope you all enjoyed it. I think the next one is the joint chapter written by both of us...that should be interesting. Oh, and review please!


	14. I've got you, Babe

Disclaimer:

We own nothing. No companies, franchises, chains, characters, products….nothing.

**A/N:**

Ah, it is my (Corncob's) turn again….wonderful…oh well. I hope you enjoyed the last chapter (I died laughing at it, I don't know about you. Gotta love TooLittleTooLate) and I hope you will enjoy this one as well!

Happy reading! Only 4 chapters left after this one!

_**fffffffffffffffffff**_

6pm found a majority of the Shinra employees headed off to their respective homes/barracks, and Zack happily making his way to his favorite (and only) General's office. Once reaching it, he would proceed to beg, plead, and finally drag the taller man away from his work and back to his place for movies and, well, whatever it was that those two did.

Approaching the door, Zack didn't bother to knock and simply strode in.

"Hey Seph, you ready…?"

He wasn't there.

Zack stilled as he glanced around the room suspiciously. Opening his mouth as if to speak several times, he continued to stare mindlessly at Sephiroth's large leather chair -- as if the General would suddenly appear in it.

When this technique proved worthless, he cautiously approached the desk. Perhaps Seph has left a note or something…like '_Hey Zack! Got anxious and left early! Meet you at your house, buddy!_"

Well, Zack found a note alright, but it wasn't in the frighteningly perfect script that he was used to. No, it wasn't from Sephiroth, and it _certainly_ wasn't anything he wanted to hear.

**_Fair- _**

**_I know that you know that I know that you took Tseng. In retaliation, I have taken that which you hold most dear. If you ever again wish to stare into the eyes of your beloved, you will rendezvous at the western corner of Building 12._**

Zack continued to stare blankly at the note, his panic-stricken mind being able to make no sense of it. Flipping it over, he saw something else.

**_(I have Seph. You have Tseng. Meet me by the office with the good snack machine.)_**

The mortified SOLDIER shoved the note in his pocket (he's be damned if anyone else ever saw it. No one needed to read that beloved crap) and took off for the good vending machine…or rather: Building 12, if you wanted to be all technical about it. Smart ass.

**_fffffffffffffffffff_**

Zack reached the meeting place in almost record time only having to deal with a few people along the way. Fortunately, Reno was there when he arrived, something that he had been slightly worried about.

"Good, so you can read." The redheaded Turk 'greeted', rolling his eyes.

Zack ignored the action and was about to get down to business when a young man ran up to them, or more specifically, Reno

"Evening, Sir! I was just wondering…and since" the boy cast a quick look Zack and lowered his voice.

"**You know who** is missing…when are the fall term test scores coming out?"

"Erm…" Reno wracked his over-worked brain.

This is how it had been for the last 8 hours. Tseng's disappearance had been instantly recognized among the Turk ranks, though they were keeping it strictly under wraps. There was no need to let the SOLDIER enemy know that their captain was no where to be found.

Since then, all questions and/or issues has fallen on Reno's shoulders, and very few of these questions/issues could he answer.

"Next Saturday."

He quickly turned from the confused trainee and motioned for Zack to follow him.

"Let's walk and talk."

"What did you do with him?!" the dark haired man whispered furiously once out of ear shot. Though Sephiroth had only been missing for a matter of hours, it seemed like the entire base knew. After all: 7 foot, silver haired, freaky eyed, leather covered military war heroes didn't just drop off the face of the earth without anyone noticing.

"First, you tell me what you did with Ts-" the Turk was cut short as another man walked up to them. This time, the interruption was for Zack.

"Excuse me, Lieutenant, when will Platoon 46 be leaving for the upcoming protocol mission to Junon?"

Like Reno: Zack, in the wake of his missing Commander, had to deal with all the problems that the SOLDIERs were bound to have. And also, like Reno: he had no idea how to answer their questions.

"Next Saturday!" Zack informed the man with a smile, lying through his teeth just as his Turk counterpart had done moments before—something that did not go unnoticed by the redhead.

Pushing his annoyance with these people down, Reno was about to attempt conversation again when even _more_ men came trotting up. This time there were two Turks _and_ a SOLDIER.

Both parties glared resentfully at each other while their fill-in Superiors made up answers to questions they were only half listening to in the first place.

As the men left, the Turk and SOLDIER gave each other a long, hard look.

Reno was the first to speak.

"What are we doing, man?"

He lowered his head and shook it as he lifted his arms and gave a humorless smile.

"Look what we've gotten ourselves into. Look what we've gotten the whole company into! We don't know how to deal with this!" he gestured to the base surrounding them.

"We don't know how to solve peoples' problems and shit!"

Reno dropped his arms and Zack released a sigh.

"I don't even know how this got so far out of control. One minute, we're at odds, and before we can even turn around the whole friggin' _company_ is divided."

"I have no idea…" the Lieutenant answered, leaning back against a building as he cradled his forehead.

"This was never supposed to hap-"

"Sir! There's been a 2-9-2 down by Sector 4. We can either do a standard code 43 or leave it to the fall backs. What do you suggest we do?"

Both men looked at one another blankly before answering at the same time.

"Next Saturday."

**_fffffffffffffffffff_**

If there had ever been an unlucky man in all of Shinra, it was Rod. He was the kind of guy who tried his hardest to do everything right, but nothing ever seemed to work out for him. As opposed to Reno, who just bullshitted _everything_ and it turned out just fine.

Rod was having a rather bad day, and the normally collected Turk was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

When he had been told that he would be watching over Rufus in Tseng's abscense, he had no idea things would turn out like they had. How was he supposed to know that the kid was a complete neuro-case?

All day the blond had been sending him paranoid glances, and hadn't allowed him to come within 4 feet of him. It was like he thought Rod was going to eat him or something.

This, though, did not take Rod too long to accept. He could deal with keeping a small distance from the Vice President of it made his young charge more comfortable.

The second Rufus had found out that Tseng was missing, he had been a basket-case. He had been running around Shinra, looking every where for the Wutian man himself, as he believed that no one else was putting out a true effort. It would seem that the boy had quite an attachment to the Head Turk, something that Rod just couldn't understand.

Rod's mistake has come about the time that young Rufus had given up hope.

"What if he ran away because…because he was tired of dealing with me?! I thought Tseng was my…friend…"

At the utterly heart breaking look of Rufus' face, Rod had made his fatal error.

He laid a comforting hand on Rufus' shoulder which, with a startled shriek, sent the boy shooting out of reach, yelling about Tseng before settling into a corner, shaking neurotically and glaring at a helplessRod.

Today just wasn't his day.

**_fffffffffffffffffff_**

Vincent Valentine was pissed.

Utterly, totally, thoroughly, completely, 100 _pissed_.

Tseng was no where to be found, and that idiot Reno was now temporarily in charge of **everything** Turk oriented.

_He_ should be the one in charge. _He_ was the _rightful_ Second in Command of the Turks. Hell, he would have been **FIRST** in Command if not for the Higher Ups claiming that he was too unstable for that kind of authority, and that he would send many-a-Turk to an early grave, too chemically imbalanced and socially inept. Or some shit like that.

Vincent rounded the corner of whatever building he had entered (he had been too blinded by rage to notice at the time). He needed to find someone/something to take his aggression out on, and he needed to find it _now._

Ahead of him, he could hear a female voice bitching about stolen weaponry. Who ever she was, she had an obnoxious voice, and that was reason enough for him.

Thus marked the single occurrence in Shinra history that anyone had ever made Scarlet cry. Reeve was very pleased that he had been there to see it.

**_fffffffffffffffffff_**

After an hour of half-answering, half-avoiding various inquiries, Zack and Reno managed to make it to the privacy of Zack's office. Reno had been less than thrilled at the prospect of being on the SOLDIER floor, but figured being escorted by everyones favorite Lieutenant pretty much guaranteed his safety.

By the time they had reached the office, they were both thoroughly exhausted. Never in their lives had they had to exercise so much responsibility. They didn't know how Tseng and Seph could do it.

Granted; Tseng's usual answer to such questions was "Please excuse me, I have a call." And no one dared to bother the General with such trivial things as _personal problems_.

Both collapsing—Zack in his chair, Reno on the desk---they stared at one another.

"Reno…" Zack started.

"I…like I said. I don't know when or why this started, but…I'm sorry. I'm sorry for those things I said and did. I didn't mean any-"

Reno sat up.

"I'm sorry too. I didn't mean anything either. I've missed havin' you around, yo."

Zack smiled brightly, feeling truly relaxed for the first time since the whole ordeal started. It was great to have his friend back.

"Me too! I've got so much to tell you! Did you kno-"

Reno looked up suddenly, panic written on his sharp features.

"Shit! I've got a lot to tell you too, man, but we've still got Seph and Tseng!"

Zack froze.

"Oh…" his expression looked pained as he released a nervous chuckle.

"Almost forgot about that…We are so dead."

After working it out, they came to the decision that they should just go get their _own_ bosses, as the kidnappers has little to no desire to face their victims. Ever.

"So. Where is he?" Reno asked, anxious to go 'rescue' Tseng.

"Room 33, the Holiday Inn!" the SOLDIER answered happily, smiling until Reno almost fell off the desk.

"YOU TOOK HIM OFF BASE?! Oh my God! He's---" Reno stopped mid-shriek and smiled, shaking his head. "Psh, what am I worried about. He's got a gun. He'll be fine."

At Zack's uneasy silence, the Turk became very nervous.

"He.._does_ have a gun, right?"

"Eh." Zack fidgeted before reaching into a desk drawer and revealing Tseng's pistol. "Didn't want him to pop a cap in room service…"

Reno took the next few minutes to suffer a minor hear attack.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! He's unarmed!"

Zack tried to quell his friend, finally succeeding after a few minutes. Apparently the fact that he'd hung the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door made Reno feel worlds better.

Lying back on the desk, the redheadpointed to the ceiling.

"Seph's unconscious in Tseng's office."

"WHAT?!" It was now Zack's turn to panic. Especially since he knew for a fact that Masamune was still in the General's office.

"He's on the _TURK FLOOR_ WITHOUT A WEAPON!?"

Reno blinked, looking at his friend blankly.

"Dude. He _is_ a weapon."

Zack paused. "Oh, yea…"

Silence passed between them before Zack spoke up once more.

"Guess we should go then…it's almost 8…."

Both men were having mixed feelings about facing their commanders.

On one hand, Tseng and Sephiroth would be safe, and everything would be normal again.

On the other…

There was _no_ guarantee that Zack and Reno would be allowed to live once they were face to face with, for all intensive purposes, their personal hell.

The two men set off to find Tseng and Sephiroth, exciting the sanctuary of Zack's office.

"Hey Reno…Remember that time you arm wrestled with Reeve? And lost?"

"Shut up, Fair."

All was right again. Sort of.

**_fffffffffffffffffff_**

Beh, another crappy chapter done! Curious to know what happens to our boys? Me too! I guess we'll just have to wait! But fret not, for we have a time schedule to fill now! So the wait won't be TOO awful long…hopefully, anyway.

Thanks for reading, and please let us know how you're liking it! There's no shame in the occasional ego boost :)


	15. The Great Escape

Discaimer: We still don't own anything that we write about sadly. Though if I ever find the rights to these guys at a yard sale, rest assured that we will snatch them right up. But until then-- We own nothing.

AUTHOR NOTES! **Corncob**: Well you all are certainly in for a treat this chapter! We SHARED it! LittleLate did Tseng's half, and I did Seph's through the end (I think she got the better deal...) Since you have to hear from both of us twice this chapter, I guess I will go ahead and shut up, and let our other author say her stuff :)

**TooLittleTooLate: **Took us long enough, didn't it? But it was ALL corncob's fault! Blame her for taking so long and for everything that sucks in this chapter...On with the chapter!!

**_fffffffffffffffffffffffff _**

"Ow," Tseng mumbled as he opened his eyes. His left eye felt like a piece of tenderized steak.

Taking a look around, he came to the conclusion that he was not on base anymore. Not good. He had been unconscious for who knew how long and had no idea how he had gotten to wherever he was.

The last thing he remembered was something about a Mr. Candyman…

Zack. That idiot did this to him. Tseng couldn't believe he had let his guard down like that. Of course it was Zack, who would've thought the man would snap enough to _kidnap_ the leader of the Turks and his idol?

Sure, it had been foolish to play into his hands and meet him at that bar, but he had done it for Delilah; his one weakness. He had come alone because, really, how much trouble could Zack have been?

Tseng tried to touch his face to feel the damage bestowed upon his face but found that he couldn't move his arms. Apparently Zack could be a lot of trouble.

He had zipped Tseng's jacket up with his hands inside it. And if that wasn't enough, he had also tied the sleeves together.

Tseng groaned at the mental image of himself. He probably looked like some psychiatric patient tied up in a straight-jacket. Great.

He tried to ignore the fact that his uniform was almost as wrinkled as Reno 's and worked on way to escape instead. He worked his left hand up enough that he could just hook his index finger up and over the zipper.

Then, inch by inch, he was able to work the zipper down. Sure, it may have been easier to just slip it off over his head, but that would put even more wrinkles in it. Tseng shuddered at the thought of being more unkempt than he already was.

He untied the arms of his jacket and beat out the worst of the wrinkles. Slipping back into it, he got up from the bed and attempted to do something he did every day of his life since he was eight months old. Walk.

It was almost in slow motion. He lifted his left foot and felt a tug when it was no more than a few inches off the ground. Before he could register what was wrong, he was falling face first into the wall.

He hit with a dull thud and crumpled to the floor. He rolled onto his back and looked down at his shoes in disbelief. The laces were knotted together in a very neat bow. Zack had tied them together.

Obviously Zack had thought this would keep one of the stealthiest men alive trapped.

Tseng sighed as he reached down and undid the poorly done knot with one quick movement and retied them. He did his best to look over the fact that there were finger prints all over his usually spotless shoes.

As he got up, his eyes kept darting back down to the smudges that plagued his footwear. Deciding that a few moments to clean up couldn't hurt, he went into the bathroom.

"Zack, you are in for. A. World. Of. Pain," Tseng growled as he saw his reflection in the mirror.

He stepped forward and inspected his bruised face. The area around his left eye was turning a rainbow of blues and purples. And was that a hint of yellow around the edge?

While contemplating all the possible ways to make Zack wish he had never been born, Tseng proceeded to shower. He grimaced as he used the generic brand of shampoo the hotel provided.

Finally deciding that he was as clean as he was going to get in the second rate hotel, he stepped from the shower and dried off. Realizing he had no clean clothes, he shuddered at the thought of putting on his dirty uniform. Zack was definitely going to pay for this.

He straightened himself out in the mirror as much as possible and headed out of the bathroom. Now that he was, for all intents and purposes, clean, he needed a plan. Should he wait here or just leave?

He sat on the bed and began to clean his shoes while he thought.

_What the hell? Is that…no. Is that motor oil? That's never going to come off!_

Tseng scrubbed at the immovable spot and figured to hell with Zack, he was leaving. He stood up and looked at his ruined shoes in disgust. Shaking his head at the stupidity that was Reno and Zack, he made his way to the door.

If he was careful, he wouldn't meet anyone he knew along the way back to his office. It was after 6 p.m., so everyone was most likely in the apartment building. The only people that stayed after hours were him, Seph, and Hojo. Not that Hojo ever came out of the labs…

As Tseng left the Holiday Inn, he wondered how Reno had handled being in charge, if only for a day. As he smiled at the idea of Reno having to deal with problems, his thoughts turned to Rufus and the smile vanished.

Who was watching him? Oh, please, let it be anyone but Elena. The one and only time she had watched him had been a disaster to say the least. Rufus had treated her as his personal slave and was making her do the most mundane tasks from getting his laundry to making his bed.

And Tseng had an inkling that that was the day that Elena had solidified her crush on him, courtesy of the information Rufus had given her.

Worried what damage Rufus would cause this time, Tseng broke into a hurried walk which quickly progressed into a jog. As he recalled Elena insisting they go for ice cream and nearly wrecking the car with Rufus in it, he took off at a sprint.

-------

Tseng ran into Shinra and went in search of Rufus. Thankfully the vice president was easy to find. He was cowering in a corner of the hall outside his office. Rod was hovering off to the right looking worried.

As Tseng walked up to the pair, he quirked a brow at Rod.

"I don't know what's wrong with him! He's been like this all day. I tried to help him, but that only made it worse!" Rod said desperation in his voice as he looked at Rufus with concern.

"You didn't touch him, did you?" Tseng asked, kneeling beside Rufus.

"Umm…maybe. I don't remember. Was I not supposed to?" Rod asked confused.

Tseng gave him a look and placed a comforting hand on Rufus' shoulder. Rod flinched, waiting for another fit from the blond. Rufus just looked up and blinked owlishly at Tseng before flinging himself onto the man.

"You're dismissed," Tseng told Rod as he passed with Rufus clutching desperately to his arm.

Rod watched as Tseng walked Rufus into his office, whispering to him. Rufus seemed to calm down with every step they took. As Tseng closed the door, Rod heard Rufus laugh.

"Well, that was weird. I couldn't get the kid to even look at me, let alone laugh…" Rod ran a hand through his head and walked to the elevator. The only thing on his mind was a good stiff drink and falling into bed. The sooner he put this day behind him, the better.

tltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltltl

It was odd for the man, indeed, as his blurry green eyes opened to reveal a potted plant, carpet, and if his hazy pupils strained--- an electrical outlet from the peripheral. Other than that, he was staring at a wall.

As Sephiroth calmly took in his rather bland surroundings, familiarity began to sink in. On top of the immaculately vacuumed carpet, the smell of high-dollar shoe polish hung lightly in the air. He was in Tseng's office. And he was tied to a chair.

A standard, Shinra-issue, executive chair that was just like Sephiroth's, except in one respect; The General's chair had been crafted specifically for him and his exceptional height. Tseng's was not.

Sitting quite uncomfortably in a chair that forced his knees into his chest, Sephiroth took a deep breath and began inspecting the ropes that had bound him.

Few words could explain the absolute nightmare that was this knot, in fact, Sephiroth himself could find no way to label it at all. All he knew was that if hell had ever tied a knot, this was it.

The rope wrapped around his torso, midsection, and upper thighs about a dozen times or so, the guilty party obviously intending to hold the man in one place for quite some time.

The two loose ends of the rope had been single, double, triple, and quadruple knotted. This process appeared to have been repeated several times.

When the criminal had finished his hideous rope job, he had apparently decided to go that extra mile. The very top of the knotted ropes had been completely melted—the entire upper-half now nothing more than a scorched, waxy hemorrhoid. The proverbial 'cherry on top,' if you will.

Needless to say that, despite Sephiroth's acute and wide-ranging abilities, he was _not_ getting this thing untied.

Staring at the scorched mess a moment longer, the silver-haired man let his eyelids slid shut. He was going to remain calm. He was in the Shinra building; he was in Tseng's office. He knew his terrain, so there was no real need to panic.

As he opened his eyes, Sephiroth began breaking down the logistics of his situation.

If he could just gather enough momentum, and stand quickly enough, he would be able to detach himself from the undersized chair. Of course, no amount of logical thinking was going to change the fact that with his knees to his chest, he wasn't going anywhere but down.

And down he went as his attempt to stand crashed and burned, landing himself on his side as he stared blankly at the base of that potted plant. After a few moments of taking deep breaths and a few _more_ moments of strategic but highly undignified wiggling, the esteemed General was up on his feet and free of the tangled, melted horror-show.

Turning to leave the room with every intention of finding the one responsible for this, Sephiroth noticed something a tad…different. Normally, when he turned and stalked about, he could feel his hair shift and flutter about, but right now he felt nothing.

The usually stoic man was in absolute terror as he reached behind him and felt only air. His eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat. He could already feel depression and nausea setting it. As he reached up to assess the damage Sephiroth was suddenly inclined to admit that somewhere- there was a god, and that god loved him very much.

There, atop his head, was every last inch of his hair gathered into a neat, folded over ponytail. While silently overjoyed, this left the man genuinely confused.

Why would someone take the time to move his hair? Who, while _kidnapping_ him, cared enough to make sure his hair stayed out of harm's way?

Then it clicked. _Reno._

That little bastard was about to experience the most painful day of his life, right after the redhead explained exactly what he had done.

Whether or not Sephiroth would thank the other man for his thoughtfulness towards his hair after he finished skinning him alive, he would decide when the time came. There was nothing like a little spontaneity once in a while, as Zack often said.

Quickly stalking to the door and opening it, he was about to turn the corner when he was met by Tseng.

_No…_It couldn't be Tseng. Tseng never looked so…frumpy. It must have just been someone who looked uncannily like him.

"Your Second just made my shit list. Where. Is. He."

No, it was definitely Tseng…but with a black eye? _'Oh Sweet Shiva.__ Please don't tell me…'_

"Zackary did that?" the General asked as he lightly touched his own eye, only just noticing the strange look he was receiving from the disgruntled Turk. Tseng nodded, absentmindedly bringing a hand to run along his temple, leering at the SOLDIER in disbelief all the while.

"Did…Reno…?"

Only then did Sephiroth recognize the dull throb ebbing through his right temple, as well as the flecks of dirt clinging to his face. Upon inspection in a hall mirror, he saw an irritated red imprint that suspiciously resembled a shoe print.

As Sephiroth continued to stare into the mirror and rage began to course through his body at the prospect of being _kicked_ in the _head,_ Tseng placed a hand on his shoulder to pull him away.

"Back to my office. We're ending this tonight."

After Tseng had compulsively cleaned his office and properly disposed of the accursed ropes, the plan had been meticulously formed.

For all Zack and Reno knew, their hostages where still in their respective stash points, and Tseng and Sephiroth knew it would not be too long before their absence was noticed. With any luck, anyway.

This led them to the next step of their plan and the reason they were currently side-stepping their way through Hojo's laboratory.

They did not have to search long before they found the scientist hunched over a table and scattering pages of cruel notes.

"I told you to go home, cretin." The professor called without turning around. Apparently he thought them to be one of his lab assistants, which he forced to clear out before 4-o-clock each day; an hour and a half earlier than everyone else in the company got off. It was actually a pretty sweet deal if you were willing to deal with working under the single most heartless man on the face of the planet and the long term post traumatic stress. And of course, the high risk that in a temporary fit of boredom, you may easily become Hojo's test subject of the day. Other than that, it was a great opportunity.

"And here I thought you enjoyed my company." Sephiroth answered, doing little to filter the disgust from his voice.

When Hojo whipped around he looked positively gleeful. His cruel excitement only increased when he saw that the Turk leader was present, as well.

"We're here to offer you a trade." Tseng added curtly, tired of being stared at like a piece of meat. Or an amoeba. He wasn't really sure which one.

Adjusting his glasses, Hojo smirked.

"Oh? Do go on."

"We are both willing to sit down and give you a mental evaluation. In return we only require that you write us note."

Sephiroth knew just what to offer the psychotic professor, as Hojo had been pestering him for that evaluation for months. Tseng's participation was an unexpected added bonus, one that the scientist could simply not refuse.

"Ah, General, a note I can do. Right this way, gentlemen. Into the back."

There was a fleeting a moment in which Tseng wondered if he would ever again see the light of day, but he figured that should Hojo try anything, he and Seph could easily take his skinny ass. Besides, if they didn't survive, how could they murder Zack and Reno?

_**fffffffffffffffffffffffff**_

**AUTHORS'NOTES:**

**Corncob**: Well, that was a first. We've never split a chapter in half before. I think it fit nicely, I don't know about you. Well I am exhausted after typing this beast up. So I'll be passing the computer over to Loop now!

**TooLittleTooLate: **Heh...she gave it to me without reading my first note...idiot. Little does she know I insult her every chance I get...Okay, she does know that. You'd think she'd check what I'm writing...oh well. That's why I'm the smart one...Review please! We've been very dissapointed with you guys lately. Don't make us hold the next chapter hostage just because you can't spare a few seconds to review...go. NOW!


	16. Lab Rats

Disclaimer: I'm fairly certain we still don't own anything...let me check. Yup, no men in the closet or under the bed. Tough luck, friend

A/N: Yeah, yeah. You all like corncob more. She updates faster. Her chapters are longer. Deal with it. But be heartened that she's writing the next one. Sadly, it'll be her last one for this story. So make sure you review TONS on the next one especially! Okay, on with this chapter...Enjoy!

* * *

"Fair, you Goddamn liar!" Reno stormed into Tseng's office. "Where the hell is he?"

Reno had just returned from a very empty, very Tseng-free Holiday Inn room. He had looked everywhere. He'd even been desperate enough to look in the drawers, as though Tseng could fit in there. Once he had exhausted every possible place in that cramped little room that Tseng could be, he had come running back to Shinra, intent on killing Zack. After he found out where Tseng was, of course.

"Well?" Reno demanded when Zack refused to acknowledge his presence. Zack was facing the window with his head bent. "Yo, you okay?"

Zack just reached over his shoulder, offering a small piece of paper to Reno. Reno took the paper, giving Zack a confused look. He looked down at it and saw the handwriting that was usually only seen on funding request forms for the science department.

**First of all, I must thank you with all of my being for hand-delivering two of the finest specimens I have ever had the pleasure of handling. ****While I have been dealing with the General for quite some time, never have I had the opportunity to truly dissect his mind as I have always wished. **

**The Turk was more exciting than I had anticipated, though he possesses surprisingly fragile wrists. No matter, he isn't going to need them any longer.**

**Again, thank you so very much. The lab has been so dreadfully slow lately, this was just the spice I needed to motivate further efforts. ****If either of you would like to make an appointment: you know where to find me. ****If neither of you would like to make an appointment: I know where to find you.**

** -Professor Hojo**

Reno looked up from the note to see Zack had turned away from the window and was now looking at him with complete despair in his eyes.

"This is all my fault. I gift-wrapped Seph for him," Zack said, anguish in every word.

"It isn't totally your fault. I did this too, and how were we supposed to know Hojo would get a hold of them?" Reno tried to comfort his friend.

Zack looked up at him and shook his head.

"I should've known something like this would happen. And not only is Seph in trouble, but so is Tseng," Zack slid down the wall and sat with his knees bent, arms resting on them.

"If you knew this was gonna happen, you'd be some sorta fucking psychic," Reno argued, crouching down in front of Zack.

Zack smirked and looked at him, "Better stay away from me. I might have you tortured and killed next."

_What the hell? What happened to the fun-loving, everything's-okay attitude? Now I'm going have to act like everything is fine and shit...I'm going to have to act like ZACK! _ Reno stared at Zack in disbelief.

"What? You know it's true. I seem to ruin everything. Even that harmless potato chip bag prank, you ended up hitting Rufus and getting in trouble," Zack buried his head in his folded arms.

"For the love of…would you give it a rest Zack? We need to go see if we can Tseng and Seph outta that insane Frankenstein's hands," Reno stood up and put out a hand to help Zack up.

"If there's anything left of them to get," Zack muttered, accepting the offered hand.

Reno sighed and led the way down to Hojo's labs.

_Great. Not only are we about to go into the freak's lair willingly, no one's around to SEE us go in. I feel real safe. Especially with Zack-o here backing me up. _

-------

"You go in."

"No way man; you go in."

"No, you."

"You!" Reno yelled in frustration. Zack was really getting on his last nerve with all that self-loathing and now the cowardliness. He was a SOLDIER; he should be used to going into less than pleasant places. Of course, so should he, but that was neither here nor there.

"Rock, paper, scissors for it?" Zack suggested, eyeing the door to the lab door wearily.

"Fine, two outta three?" Reno fisted his hand.

"Sure, ready?" Zack prepared for the 'battle.'

"One…two…three…shoot," they said together. Zack threw out rock, so did Reno.

"One...two…three…shoot," both did paper.

After what had to be the longest game of RPS, considering it was best two out of three, Reno watched gleefully as Zack slipped into the labs.

"I can't believe he won. I always win at this game. He probably cheated," Zack mumbled as he inched his way into the room. Looking over his shoulder, he noticed a distinct lack of Reno.

"Are you coming or not?" Zack asked.

"Yeah, yeah. You go first and I'll…ummm…follow," Reno claimed as he stared nervously into the lab.

"Sure you will," Zack rolled his eyes and crept into the room.

He pushed himself against the wall and started walking sideways. Hearing a noise to his left he whipped is head around. It was Reno, and he was laughing.

"Wow, you're really sneaky. No one will ever see you if you're against the wall," Reno laughed. He had the door cracked enough for his head to peek around, but the rest of him was safely on the other side of the door.

"I thought you were going to follow me," Zack snapped, hurt that his sneaking abilities had been called into question.

"I lied, deal with it. Now go find Tseng and Seph before Hojo finds you," Reno made a shooing motion with his hands.

Comforted by the thought of Hojo finding him, Zack continued his inching along the wall. The room was overwhelmingly white. There wasn't a single color in the place. And the fluorescent lighting wasn't helping either, it just made everything give off an unearthly glow.

Zack shuddered at the thought that this was where Seph had grown up, and where he and Tseng were now being held captive. His eyes started to water from the strong smell of ammonia.

Just as he was about to relax, he heard a noise coming from a room up ahead. Panicking and not wanting to be alone anymore, he turned and tried to motion for Reno to get in there. Unfortunately, Reno wasn't looking into the lab anymore. In fact, the door was closed.

_Did he really just leave me? I can't believe him! I'm the one IN the lab, and he runs off…If I die, I'm so going to haunt him._

Vowing painful revenge on his friend, he walked up to the door where he had heard the noise. Hearing it again, Zack cocked his head to the side, trying to figure out what it was.

_Oh my god…is that Hojo…__**laughing**__? He's probably chopping Tseng up right now. Or maybe he's fusing their bodies together! _

Zack stood, rooted to the spot, trying to decide what to do. Should he run? But that would leave Seph and Tseng at the mercy of Hojo. He could go get Reno…they could probably take on Hojo no problem.

"That was most unexpected. Who would've thought the Turk would make Sephiroth look somewhat sane?" Hojo's voice carried from the room.

Zack forced down the nausea that overtook him and forced himself to walk closer. Creeping to the door, he pushed it open just enough to look inside. It was an office. There were filing cabinets along two walls, half the draws couldn't even close because they were so full.

Hojo was sitting at his desk, his back to the door. He was looking over some papers and making notes, the whole time smiling and talking to himself.

Zack slapped a hand over his mouth to keep from crying out. There was blood all over his lab coat. Backing away quickly, Zack ran back to the door. He really didn't want to see what was making that crazed lunatic so happy. And he really didn't want to see what had become of his boss and idol.

_I am so not coming back in here without Reno. If we find their mangled bodies, I'm not finding them alone. _

Zack ran out the door and stopped short. Reno was standing inches from Holt's face. Holt was yelling and spit was flying out of his mouth, hitting Reno.

"How the hell do you come up with this crap?" Reno snarled.

"Like it's such a stretch thinking you were a traitor to this company. How many times have I heard Tseng complaining about how you sympathize with some of your targets? You'd have every opportunity to let them get away and continue threatening the president and his son," Holt yelled back, his face turning red.

Reno looked like he had just been told alcohol was no longer in production. Zack rushed forward before one of them killed the other, and his money was on Reno doing the killing.

"Whoa, what's going on?" Zack asked, attempting to push the two men apart.

_For someone so skinny, Reno is freakin' heavy! And Holt is going on a diet when this is over with._

Holt stopped looking at Reno and turned his attention to Zack. With a grin that looked more like a dog bearing his teeth, he stepped back and stared down at Zack.

"Well, if it isn't my new _boss_," he stressed the last word. "How's the search for the general going?"

Holt looked around the hallway.

"Looks like you two are just playing hide-and-seek," Holt said.

Zack flushed a little and pulled himself up to his full height. He was still shorter than Holt though, and had to incline his head to look him in the face.

"It's none of your concern what we're doing," Zack snapped. He looked back at Reno and jerked his head, motioning that they should leave.

Reno nodded and followed Zack past Holt.

"Go ahead, run. Without Sephiroth here to protect you you're not so brave, are you?" Holt asked as they walked past.

Zack and Reno stopped, their backs still to him. Zack was shaking with silent fury and Reno was using all his willpower to keep from killing the man.

"I never did understand why the general would put someone like you in charge. You can't handle the pressure. Is that why you were down here? Thought it would just be easier to give yourself over to Hojo?" Holt laughed. "I don't blame you, you would probably make a better experiment than general."

Reno glanced sideways to see Zack's reaction. He fully expected to have to hold Zack back. Zack's face was blank though, completely and utterly blank.

Reno had never seen Zack look so…broken. There had always been some kind of emotion in his violet eyes. Boiling over with the rage that had been building over the past weeks, Reno spun around.

_**CRACK!**_ Reno's fist collided with Holt's face. Blood gushed from his newly broken nose.

"Whad you do thad bor? You fucking lowlife!" Holt howled, pushing gingerly on his nose.

Reno smiled and walked away, leaving Zack to look from him to Holt, whose face was dripping blood into a growing puddle, and back.

Zack smiled at Holt and waved before running to catch up with Reno, who was almost to the elevators by that time.

"You know you're going to regret that," Zack commented.

"Already am. My hand is killin' me. That guy has a hard face," Reno stretched his red hand. "But he deserved it."

Zack looked down at the ground as they entered the lift. Reno pushed the button for the 67th floor and leaned back against the wall.

"Maybe he was right though," Zack mumbled, still not looking up.

_Shit, not this again. Why can't the idiot get over this self-doubt crap?_

"You don't mean that," Reno said, running a hand over his face.

Zack gave a small shrug and went back to silently staring a hole into the floor. The elevator 'pinged' as it reached the desired floor and the doors slid open. The two men walked out and down the hall, back towards Tseng's office.

"You just gotta ignore that guy," Reno stated matter-of-factly.

"Easy for you to say. He didn't…" Zack trailed off, not wanting to let Reno know just how truthful Holt's words had been.

"Didn't what? Didn't accuse me of things that are in no way true? 'Cause that's what he did to both of us. Besides, do you really want to listen to a man who tries to seduce a pin-up of Seph?" Reno asked, nudging Zack in the ribs.

Zack raised his head and looked questioningly at Reno.

"Yup, saw it while I was in the vents the other day. That man is seriously twisted, yo," Reno grinned.

Zack smiled and joined in Reno's laughter. He was right, he shouldn't let Holt's words get to him. Seph had chosen him to be his Second-in-Command for a reason.

They had reached Tseng's office and Zack fell behind Reno so he could go in first. Not paying attention to where he was going, Zack ran into his back. He looked over Reno's shoulder to see what was happening. There was a note taped to the door.

_**Tomorrow. Conference room 498. 6 AM. **_

Reno looked at Zack, confusion written all over his face.

"Any idea who wrote this?" he asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah, I see that handwriting almost everyday. It's Seph's," Zack stared at the note.

"Seph's? Then that…Those jerks!" Reno slammed his hand into the door.

Zack started at the sudden change in Reno's attitude.

"This means they were fine the whole time! We went down to that fuckin' lab for no reason!" Reno growled as he fisted his hands in his hair.

"But this is good news! We didn't kill them!" Zack yelled, trying to calm Reno down.

"That's great that they're not dead. But we're going to be at 6 tomorrow morning," Reno said.

"Shit. Well, we'll just have to explain our actions to them," Zack asserted, refusing to let his bubble of happiness be popped.

"And how are we supposed to do that? They're not going to listen to a thing we say," Reno said, dropping his hands to his side and turning to face Zack.

"Umm…I don't know. Seph doesn't really hold that many meetings, he just has someone send out memos or something. How does Tseng get his point across?" Zack asked.

Reno chewed his lip as he thought. He never paid attention in meetings, how was he supposed to know? He tried to recall any details he could but kept coming up empty. Until…

"I got it. But it's going to take all night. Do you know where we can get a projector?" Reno asked.

* * *

A/N: There you go. Seph and Tseng are completely fine...no idea why Hojo had blood on him. Late night torturing? Well, only one more chapter and the epilogue left. So make the most of what's left and REVIEW like crazy!


	17. The Truth occasionally Sets You Free

**Disclaimer**: Don't own Square-Enix's Final Fantasy, Microsoft's PowerPoint, or Advil.

**A/N:**

Oh No! This is my last chapter! I am all sorts of sad…While I always complained about updating…I am really going to miss this story. I don't want it to end! I had so much fun writing it…I am also severely jealous of LittleLate, since she gets to write the much-loved Epilogue. Oh well, she gets to write it, but I get the surprise of reading it. : )

Anyway- This is my (CornCob's) very last chapter, so be sure you review and tell me good-bye! sniff I'm going to miss you guys, you were such a dedicated, lovely audience. Happy reading!

The clock struck six as the ever punctual Tseng and Sephiroth entered Conference Room 498. The two were not surprised to find the room vacant.

"You owe me 5 gil." Tseng announced as he chose his seat and settled in, tossing the man to his left a satisfied smirk. The two had bet on whether or not Reno and Zack would be on time to the meeting. Sephiroth had given the two miscreants the benefit of the doubt, Gaia only knew why. The taller of the two sighed as he sat down as well.

"Very well. I really did believe that they would try to beat us here. Good impressions and all that."

Tseng gave a lopsided smile.

"You clearly don't know Reno."

They sat patiently in companionable silence before Tseng noticed one of life's many injustices.

"You bruise is already gone!"

He pointed at the side of Sephiroth's head accusingly, correct in that there was no longer a single mark marring the man's pale complexion. At Sephiroth's shrug, the Turk only huffed.

"Damn SOLDIERs and your mako healing. I'm going to look like I got mugged for a week. That's not a good image for a Turk, you know…"

Sephiroth have a silent laugh and the two fell back into silence. Minutes passed as the two leaders began to get restless, not to mention irritated. Tseng wondered if the two truly were that stupid, that they would waste their one shot at redemption.

"Perhaps we should go collect our misguided subordina-"

Sephiroth stopped short as the office door open and in walked Zack and Reno. Both men adorned a pair of thick-framed reading glasses and each carried a non-descript, black suitcase. Tseng and Sephiroth sat patiently as the two new-comers began to walk about the office, opening their suitcases and setting up what appeared to be an overhead projector. Tseng's eye gave a slight tick.

"Is that my projector?"

His frustration only grew when he went unanswered. Not only had they filched his very _expensive _projector, but to ignore him when he questioned them? He gave Sephiroth a stern look. Perhaps he would have better luck.

"Zackary, you are 17 minutes late." Neither Zack nor Reno gave any reaction and Sephiroth and Tseng looked at each other in mild disbelief. Were they really being ignored? _Them?_ You didn't just ignore _them._ Especially when it was your life on the line, and your very existence may very well rest on what you had to say.

Zack and Reno continued to set everything up and quietly mumbled to each other as they went. Tseng was considering firing them both right then and there when the movement stopped and the two seated men were finally acknowledged.

"Ah, Gentlemen." Reno said, bowing his head slightly. "Glad to see you made it. My associate and I were worried you might miss our appointment." His 'associate' then stepped up to the table.

"Good morning, Sirs, and thank you for coming. My partner and I worked very hard to prepare our presentation for you today. Mr. Sinclair, the lights, please?"

"Certainly, Mr. Fair." Reno responded politely, already standing near the lights as he flicked them off. The whole ordeal looked as though it had been rehearsed hours before hand, and for all Tseng and Sephiroth knew, it probably had.

The room was flooded with darkness; apparently the men had not seen fit to turn the projector on _before_ hand. Zack and Sephiroth were able to see through the blackness, as mako _did_ have some of its rare perks. Sephiroth was trying to hold back a snicker as he watch Reno almost make a graceless fall over one of the many chairs in the office before Zack clicked on the machine, coughing lightly as he did.

The room now filled with a soft light as the wall before of the two seated men now displayed the opening of a PowerPoint presentation, and the words "_**Why We Did It: ** **An Inspirational Presentation by Zack and Reno."**_

Zack and Reno had had to do some major tweaking on their story, as Zack did not want Vincent's involvement to be mentioned. He at least stood a chance against Seph and Tseng. Vincent would just flat out _kill_ him if Zack got him into anymore trouble.

"Now before we begin…" Reno reached into his suitcase to reveal two note pads and two pens.

"If you have any questions or notable notes throughout our presentation, please jot them down and hold them for afterwards."

Sephiroth and Tseng regarded one another skeptically as they received their pads and writing utensils. They were beginning to wonder if they really should have just handed themselves over for Hojo's experimentation; It couldn't have been as painful as this promised to be.

"All righty!" Zack chirped as he picked up the remote to the projector machine and Reno extended his pointer. There had been quite an argument the night before over who would get to use the pointer and who would control the remote. In the end it was, yet again, left to the good old Rock Paper Scissors to decide fate.

"Let's begin!"

Both men standing took a deep breath as Zack pressed the button on the tiny remote and both Superiors strongly wished for an Advil.

"Our first topic of discussion will be this: How it started!"

Zack took another deep breath and looked to Reno, who nodded supportively as he pointed at the first bullet on the screen.

"We were sitting happily in the cafeteria, talking about this and that, when Reno made a joke about Sephiroth looking like a woman. I, in retaliation, insulted the entire Turk department and then Reno personally. We both have no excuse and are…uh"

Reno coughed something under his breath and Zack straightened.

"Truly repentant!"

As the raven-haired man continued to chatter on about the early stages of the whole ordeal, Sephiroth and Tseng put their note pads to good use, though not in the way that had been expected of them.

Writing quickly, Tseng slid his note over to Sephiroth, tapping his arm lightly to get his attention.

_'20 gil says they stayed up all night with a thesaurus practicing this.'_

Sephiroth smirked down at the neatly written note, now tuning out his rambling Second in favor partaking in the immature art of note-passing.

_'Probably. Those glasses are horrid. We should have never arranged to meet them here.'_

As the time passed on, the notes grew more and more off subject, ranging from Tseng's aging grandmother whom he had not seen in several years, to Sephiroth's opinion on the footwear issued to the cadets by the company.

It was only when they were discussing the pros and cons of quick killing vs. torture when a light cough from Reno captured their attention.

"Excuse me, Mr.…" it then occurred to the redhead that neither men had a last name, at least not that he knew of. "…Mr. Turk and Mr. General. Passing notes is not acceptable during…"

One look at the both of them and the young Turk quickly abandoned his reprimanding.

"Ahem, as you were then….Sorry, Zack, please continue."

Zack nodded, silently happy that their two bosses now seemed to be paying attention. He had noticed their notes earlier but did not intend to say anything about it. He was here to bargain for his life, after all, not assure that died in this conference room.

He then clicked the remote, causing the screen to shift and display a picture that made Tseng's eyes widen and jaw drop. It was a medical file picture of one Rufus Shinra, complete with blackeye.

"We now begin our next topic! Remorse and Revenge!" Nodding a final time, Zack stepped aside and let Reno take the floor.

"Right. We have here our first example. This was the day that Zack and myself almost apologized to each other. Then, due to a series of unfortunate actions, I ended up clubbing the brat in the face…"

Seeing Tseng's full body twitch, Reno quickly motioned for Zack to go to the next slide.

"Heh heh, at least you match now, aye boss?" Reno jested, pointing at his own eye. At the absolutely horrifying stare he received, he cleared his throat.

"Moving on…A while later, when Zack and the General were assigned to a mission off base, Zack rigged his office, should I have tried anything. His plan backfired and ended up causing Sephiroth to be covered in syrup: only to blame said offense on me soon after."

Zack refused to meet his Commander's eyes as the silver-haired man stared in angry shock. Fortunately, he and Reno knew they were bound to get many bad reactions from the two intimidating men, and as such had planned to just keep talking. As long as they kept doing the talking, everything would be okay.

"Later on down the road, he stole Delilah, which caused Tseng to be an all-in-all nightmare for a week. In response, I slipped down into Hojo's lab and snagged a picture of Seph when he was a kid…" the redhead was now staring very hard at his wrist watch. "I made…a few…copies and put them up around the company…after that was when things began to get a little out of hand…"

Tseng took the note that Sephiroth had just written and snorted slightly, shaking his head.

'_**Now** it gets out of hand?'_

The older Turk did not have the chance to respond when Zack once again took center stage.

"The next topic is 'Why Kidnapping?' We only ask that you hear us out and do not attempt to harm us until this is all over."

Both the young Turk and SOLDIER looked at each other a moment for strength before the black-haired man continued.

"We don't know."

The two seated men stared blankly at the ones standing before them. Had they really just said they _didn't know_? Surely that was not their answer…At the look they were receiving, Zack quickly elaborated. He had the feeling that answer wouldn't be accepted...

"We don't know why we did it. We went over it a hundred times afterwards, and neither of us can understand what there was to gain by kidnapping either of you. If anything, all it did was cause us more trouble. We're not cut out for head-honcho. We're better off passing on the orders than dishing them out ourselves…"

Another click on the remote revealed a slide that made both General and Head Turk choke.

It would seem that the two subordinates had cannibalized the company photo records and had clipped each of their faces out and pasted them onto crudely drawn stick figures, each one drawn holding the hand of the next. First was Zack, who held onto Seph who held on to Tseng who in turn held onto Reno. It was quite demented in _everyones'_ opinion, and both Superiors made a mental note to destroy that particular slide.

"In the end though." Reno started this time.

"We love you guys, and you both know, deep down in your small, black, withering hearts, that no one else could do what we do. While we annoy you to no end, we're the only ones you _let_ annoy you. Like it or not, over the years you have grown to like, and _dare I say it_: even love us. Besides, you know that it would be taxing to train a replacement for either of us. We know everything there is to know about you as our boss, do you really want to start over with some new face?"

Zack stepped in, placing his hand on Reno's shoulder.

"What we are trying to say is: Please. Please forgive us. We're sorry for everything that we did. We didn't mean anything that happened, and we certainly didn't mean to sabotage your friendship. Everything fell into prospective for us when we thought Hojo had butchered you --"

A quick elbow in the side from Reno derailed the SOLDIER's train of thought and had him clearing his throat.

"I mean, yea. We're sorry. Please give us another chance. Keep us around…We'll be good, _promise_."

Both boys smiled sheepishly at their bosses. Now that their presentation was over, their confidence was dropping and nervousness was definitely setting in. Their confidence continued to falter as Tseng and Sephiroth leaned into each other, muttering softly before standing and walking towards the door.

Opening the door, Sephiroth paused when Zack's hand touched his shoulder.

"Where are you going?"

Sephiroth smirked down at his hesitant Second.

"To file the cruelest, most explicitly detailed disciplinary report this company has ever seen."

Zack's eyes widened.

"But! But-"

"Don't talk to _me_, Zackary. I am merely handling Sinclair's report. Any issues you have will be taken up with Tseng. He is writing yours."

The door slid closed as the two Superior Officers exited the room, leaving behind two very pale, gaping men. The two stood in silence for a few moments, just imagining the punishment, before a slow smile spread over Reno's face.

"That was a damn good presentation we put together, 'Mr. Fair.'"

Zack's smile quickly prevailed over his worried frown.

"And props to you, as well, Mr. Sinclair! Excellent work with the pointer. Though don't think I didn't see you trip after the lights went off."

Reno rolled his eyes, grumbling something about 'freaky-ass SOLDIER eyes.'

"So…" Zack looked at Reno again.

"You think they're going to kill us, or just demote our asses all the way to hell? I can see it now…Lackey Sinclair and Grunt Fair, the unstoppable duo! Toilets beware; when these guys get bathroom duty, they mean business."

Reno laughed slightly, hoping against hope that wouldn't be the case.

"Nah. Like we said, they don't wanna deal with some new face. They enjoy us, whether that admit it or not. We may get a light slap on the wrist but that'll be it. We're in too good with 'em."

Zack nodded fondly as the two began to clean up their belongings.

"As long as we return this projector to Tseng, I believe you are right, dear friend."

**_fffffffffffffffffffff_**

Sephiroth and Tseng stood in the General's office, looking down at the reports they had just filed, as well as the disciplinary action they had chosen.

Tseng looked up at his friend with mirth in his eyes.

"Should we tell them now, or…"

"No." Sephiroth shook his head. "We'll let them find out."

Tseng nodded and turned towards the door.

"Well I've got to go check on Rufus, as well as meet with Valentine. I'll see you at lunch."

Sephiroth nodded and dipped his head slightly. As Tseng left he settled himself into his chair. He had a few phone calls to make.

**_fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff_**

**Author's Note:**

Waaaa!!! I'm so sad! I'm happy that I have one less thing to finish, but...I MISS IT ALREADY! pouts Oh well. As long as you guys enjoyed it, it's okay. I am not sure how I feel about this particular chapter being my last one...it probably just feels funny to be DONE without the story actually being..DONE.

Well...Now it's TooLittleTooLate's final turn, and then it will all be over. I, personally, can't wait to see what happens (we don't tell each other jack..)! Thanks for reading!


	18. Epilogue

Disclaimer: We own nothing. Not even a bleach-pen. We'll let you know when we do own them though.

A/N: This is it. The last chapter. The end. No more will come after this. It's a sad day indeed. Hence the reason it took so long for me to write it. I didn't want to finish it! But I have...and I must say, I'm VERY proud of myself and corncob. On with the chapter! Enjoy!

* * *

One week later:

"Peas or carrots?"

"Peaches actually, and I know you have some in the back. I've seen them."

"_Actually_, we don't know what happened to them."

"You lost thirty cans of peaches?"

"No. You took them you freak," Reno glared over the food at the newly re-instated Turk.

"Careful Reno. We don't want one of the new lunch ladies to go missing because she pissed off a Turk," Vincent said as he carefully examined the food.

Reno's grip on his ladle tightened as he tried to ignore Vincent's use of the word 'she.'

"Is this supposed to be roast beef?" Vincent asked, pointing at a lumpy substance floating in an inch of grease.

"Dunno, ask the other lunch lady. He cooked it," Reno pointed with the ladle at Zack.

Vincent turned to look at his ex-partner in crime and stared in shock. Zack was in full lunch lady mode. He was sporting an apron that was equipped with every utensil any lunch would love to have. He had a ladle, spatula, tongs, sponge, and even an extendable fork.

Zack had even put his hair in a hairnet. Not very well, but it was still up. Vincent accepted the peas Reno offered and moved towards Zack with a look of disbelief.

"Fair?" Vincent asked.

"Hey! How's it going? I don't know why you complained about this job, it's great!" Zack said, waving at some SOLDIERs walking by.

"And congrats on being in the Turks again; I bet Tseng's happy to have you back," Zack turned to get another tray of rolls.

Vincent looked over at Reno out of the corner of his eye and smirked when he noticed the redhead eavesdropping.

"Yes, it's very good to get back to the job I was hired for. And Tseng's thrilled to have his proper second back," Vincent said just loud enough for Reno to hear.

"He keeps saying how nice it's going to be to have someone who know what they're doing backing him up. He may decide there's no reason for Reno to come back," Vincent's smirk grew into a full smile when he heard Reno growl.

Before Vincent, or anyone else in line, could register what was happening, Zack was trying to restrain Reno. He had one arm around his chest to pull him back while the other hand was trying to stop the cleaver from removing Vincent's head from the rest of him.

"Reno, stop it! What's the matter with you?" Zack yelled as he pulled his friend back a few feet.

"There always was talk about you being unstable, but now there's proof," Vincent remarked, not looking the least bit unnerved.

"I'm not the one who tried to poison the whole executive staff," Reno snarled, trying to break free of Zack's grip.

_Fucking mako strength!_

Vincent blanched. He quickly recovered and shot Reno a look that promised retribution and left the line. He made his way to the very back corner, passing Tseng and Seph along the way.

"Think he spit in the food?"

"At least."

-------

"Think he spit in the food?" Seph asked, pushing the mashed potatoes around with a fork.

"At least," Tseng said, eyeing the watery gravy. It could just be runny from too much water, but was most likely from Reno's special addition of spit.

Better not to risk it. Tseng pushed his tray away, Seph soon followed his example.

"Maybe we shouldn't have given them lunch detail. They have too much opportunity to get back at us," Tseng remarked.

"I've been thinking that. Guess we're bringing food or eating out for the next two months," Seph said, looking at his food longingly. He really like mashed potatoes.

Tseng rubbed his eye, which was still bruised, and looked at Seph.

"Hey, what happened to your face?" Tseng demanded.

"What are you talking about?" Seph asked, hands flying to his face.

"The footprint, it's gone. How can it be gone already?" Tseng questioned.

"Mako. It helps us heal faster. I thought you knew that," Seph replied calmly.

Before Tseng could voice his thoughts on the unfairness of it, Rufus walked up.

"Tseng, could you kindly escort me back to my office?"

"Of course sir. I'll see you later Seph," Tseng said as he stood to walk to with Rufus.

-------

"Of course sir. I'll see you later Seph," Tseng said as he stood and walked off with Rufus.

Rod watched the two men make their way across the room. He still hadn't recovered from his time with the vice president. How could the future leader of ShinRa be such a lunatic?

"_Hand me a bleach-pen," Rufus commanded, not looking up from his paperwork but holding a hand out expectantly._

"_A what, sir?" Rod asked in surprise. This was the first time in over two hours he had been spoken to. _

"_A bleach-pen," Rufus snapped, shaking his hand impatiently._

_Rod stared at the blond in confusion, what the hell was a bleach-pen? _

"_I-I'm sorry, sir, but I don't know what you're talking about," Rod said._

_Rufus' head shot up, a look of panic crossing his face. _

"_You mean you don't have a bleach-pen?" he asked slowly._

"_No sir," Rod answered, wondering what was so important about some pen._

"_No. You have to have one! Tseng always has one in case I get something on my jacket!" Rufus said, his voice rising with every word. Rod just stood there staring._

"_I don't see anything on your jacket, sir. I'm sure it's fine," Rod said, trying to soothe the agitated man. _

"_Fine? You call this fine?" Rufus asked, pointing at a small blue dot on the cuff of his sleeve. _

"_Uh…yes?" Rod nervously answered. _

_Obviously that had been the wrong answer because Rufus stood up and began yelling at Rod about the importance of cleanliness. After a ten minute speech on that, he had heard a lecture on how Tseng was always prepared for this kind of thing. _

"Figures Tseng would find someone as neurotic as himself," Rod mumbled as he watched his boss brush some lint off of Rufus.

Just as they were about to walk through the doors, Hojo rushed in and almost hit Rufus. Tseng pulled the vice president out of harms way and quickly checked him over. Satisfied that his charge was fine, they left the lunchroom.

Rod shook his head and went back to his food, only somewhat aware of the disturbance in the lunch line.

-------

Hojo rushed into the lunch room, not even noticing who it was that he had almost hit. Probably no one of importance anyway. He spotted his targets and made his way over to the lunch line.

He pushed past someone that looked vaguely familiar to get to the spot where Reno and Zack were standing.

"You boys haven't been to my lab to make your appointments," Hojo said, ignoring the complaints of the employees he had shoved aside. Idiots, didn't they know they were standing in the way of science?

Reno and Zack stared blankly at him, trying to come up with a good excuse for not coming to see the mad man.

"Umm…we've been…you see…uh," Zack said, desperately trying to get themselves out of the situation.

"We haven't come to see you because…Valentine and Holt said they would take our spots!" Reno said, proud that he had both saved them and screwed over Vincent and Holt at the same time.

"Valentine and Holt?" Zack asked, wondering when that had happened.

"Yeah, remember? They said they owed us and offered to go see Hojo for us," Reno said, wishing his friend was a little quicker on the uptake.

"Oh…right," Zack nodded.

"Well, I suppose they'll do. At least I still get a SOLDIER and a Turk. Though I'll have to rethink my tests. Valentine has always interested me…" Hojo continued talking as he walked away.

He barely noticed the looks he was getting from the people in line.

-------

Reeve watched in growing annoyance as Hojo shoved his way into the line and started talking to Zack and Reno. Did that man think he could whatever he wanted?

Reeve was already having a bad day, and now this arrogant idiot thought he could just push Reeve out of the way?

Finally Hojo left and Reeve reclaimed his spot in line.

"Whatcha want?" Reno asked, not even looking at who he was serving. That was it, the last straw. Reeve couldn't take it any longer; everyone treated him like some lowlife.

"What do I want? I want some respect!" Reeve yelled at a surprised Reno. "I want people to treat me like the executive I am. I'm tired of everyone shoving me to the side."

"Whoa, man. I just wanted to know if you wanted the peas or carrots," Reno said, holding his hands up.

"Of course you do. Nobody ever wants to know what I'm thinking or feeling. They only want to know what concerns them," Reeve snipped, not caring that people were backing away from him.

"We're just supposed to serve the food," Zack said, wondering what had caused the usually calm man to explode like this.

"And I'm just supposed to take this treatment? Well, I'm not going to stand for this anymore! We'll see how people feel when I'm not around to be abused. Over the last ten years of working here I've been kicked, spit on, pushed down stairs, and nobody even knows my full name!"

"Tootsie, right?" Reno asked.

"It's not Tootsie, you idiot. It's Tuesday," Zack said, rolling his eyes.

"You sure? I could've sworn in was Tootsie," Reno said thoughtfully.

"You're thinking about tootsie rolls. His last name is Tuesday," Zack stated.

"You're both wrong. See what I mean?" Reeve growled. "And I bet you don't even know what I do here!"

Reno and Zack looked at each other in shock.

"You work here? We thought you just hung around or something," Reno said, scratching his head.

"Or that you were married to somebody who worked here," Zack said. "What do you do?"

Reeve slammed his tray down and walked away muttering something about not getting any respect.

-------

Zack and Reno watched Reeve walk away.

"His last name is so not Tuesday, man. It's Tootsie," Reno turned back to the people standing in line. There weren't many, as most had left during Reeve's tantrum.

"It may not be Tuesday, but it's not Tootsie either," Zack said, shaking his head.

"How do you know? It's not like you know his name," Reno said, giving the last person a scoop of peas.

"I just do, okay? Does he look like his name is Reeve Tootsie?" Zack asked, starting to clean up.

"Well, no. But who's to say…what are you doing?!" Reno yelled.

"What does it look like? I'm cleaning up," Zack answered.

"I know you're cleaning up, but why are you holding my ladle?" Reno asked, reaching for said ladle.

"Your ladle? I didn't know we had assigned ladles. And even if we did, how do you know this is yours?" Zack asked.

"I just do, okay? Now give it back," Reno tried to grab it.

"No," Zack moved out of the way. "What's so great about this one?"

"It's mine, that's what's so great about it," Reno said, eyeing the distance between himself and Zack.

Before Zack could respond, Reno jumped at him and they went crashing to the ground.

"Ow! You just bit me!" Zack yelled, holding his arm.

"Yeah, and you don't taste like chicken," Reno snapped, grunting as an elbow hit him in the stomach.

"Get off! What's wrong with you?" Zack kicked his leg in an attempt to dislodge Reno's grip around his knee.

"What's wrong is that you have my ladle!" Reno let go of Zack's leg and grabbed for his arms instead.

"I swear all of you Turks are crazy," Zack panted, trying to crawl away from Reno.

"Turks are crazy? You're one to talk, mako-boy," Reno said, tackling Zack before he got too far.

"That's real mature, man," Zack bit out, trying to break Reno's grip around his middle.

"Just give me the damn ladle!" Reno yelled as Zack slipped out of his grip.

"Tell me what's so special about it and I will," Zack said, standing up and turning to run.

"I don't need to tell you anything! Just give me the ladle!" Reno sprinted after Zack, trying to reach him before he got out of the cafeteria.

"I'll give you the ladle when you tell me what I want to know!" Zack pushed through the doors, closely followed by Reno.

Cloud watched as Reno and Zack ran down the hall, yelling something about a ladle. He watched as they rounded a corner and winced when he heard a thud. It sounded a lot like a body hitting a wall.

Deciding it would be best to ignore the yells coming from down the hall, he walked off. He had a class to get to and really didn't want to get pulled into another fight between the friends.

* * *

A/N: Friends, huh? They don't seem like it with how often they fight. And why is that ladle so special to Reno? I'm afraid we'll never know. We refuse to do a sequel because it would ruin this masterpiece. No matter how much it kills us, this is the end.

We thank you all so much for sticking with it and reviewing. You guys kept us going with your sucking up and what-not. And for those of you that are reading this after it has been completed...feel free to review anyway. Thanks again! BYE!!!


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